In This Timeline, I Am

I live in this universe, this reality. And, as far as I know (as well as far as science knows, as of writing), this is the only universe that is in existence. I have a defined past: a chain of events that led me to where I am now. Now, I don't honestly believe in the idea of a "multiverse" or "in another life," but let's say I do. What would I look like? Where would I even be?

Personally, thought experiments like these are fun to indulge in every once in a while. Only rarely do I think about these, but when I do, it's fun. Doesn't it make you curious as well? What if you did this thing that, somehow, changed the trajectory of your life? What if you made that life change, or took another course in college, or even woke up late and bumped into another person that'll change your life? That's a life I want to think about. So for today, I'll suspend my disbelief and ask myself, "Where would I be in another life?"

In another timeline, I am married

Now, I don't know about you, but getting married sounds really, really fun. I even thought I'd be married in my mid-20s! I've loved the idea of being married ever since I was a child. When I was 16 years old, I even made a wedding playlist on Spotify because I was so enamored by the idea. It sounds pretty strange for a guy to like weddings, but the whole idea of love sounds so sweet and cute to me.

In that timeline, I would probably be looking at my lovely wife walk down the isle and my heart would beat at 156 bpm just by looking at her. I'd think that she's the most beautiful woman on Earth, and I would be so happy and lucky to have met her. I would have all my friends invited, even the ones I barely knew but still view my social media updates.

I might have even met her during college had I just gone to a better school or had I completed my course. We would've planned for our wedding, and she'd make most of the choices, and I'd probably beg on my knees for the song at the first dance to be He Is We and Owl City's "All About Us" like in my playlist. We would have that romantic dance I've always dreamt of since my high school prom and I'd be so happy.

If the multiverse was real and I somehow knew that there was a version of me that had all that happen, dude, I'd be so jealous. It's always been a dream of mine to get married to someone I truly and deeply love.

In another timeline, I got my degree

I've said this a million times by now, but I never got my college diploma. Yes, I'm a senior developer who works in IT in the Philippines, and yet I never actually got my diploma. I dropped out of college because of financial difficulties. But what if I did graduate and I did get my diploma?

This is probably the strangest "what if?" question that I have because I don't think this would have changed much of my life. I have a passion for software development that's innate. I have built websites ever since my teens! But then, maybe it would have gotten me into more jobs? Or I would have had a different first job, y'know? Also, I might have competed more in college. I was already competing in hackathons and won several of them, maybe I could have competed in more and made more friends that way?

I'm not sure if you know this, but dropping out of college effectively "branched" my current life from that life.

In another timeline, I am a father

Parenthood has always been one of those things that I've thought about and, to an extent, even wished. This started very young, weirdly enough. I would always daydream about being a dad/husband coming home to a loving wife and our cute children. I'd take them out to parks, play baseball with them (blame American media, we don't even play baseball here), and I'll even bring them to work.

Being a dad has always been a well-established idea, that even I expected this as a teen:

Fill your kids' heads with dreams, dreams we wish we were told when we were young. And be a kindhearted husband to your wife. Treat her kindly and with respect. Future me, please become the father we wish we had.

I feel like I have so much love to give. I didn't have the best of dads, but thankfully, he wasn't a bad example, and he's the reason why I'm into tech and IT. He worked at an IT job in Makati! It was always my dream to work in an IT job in Makati, but of course, in that dream, I came home to my kids. While I fulfilled one part of my dream, the most important part is still missing from it.

Maybe in that life, I'd be so exhausted and tired all the time. But I know I won't care. Seeing everyone happy and safe in that life would be happiness enough for me. I'd be with my wife, who's the most beautiful woman in my eyes, who would see me through sickness and in health. And I'd be the adult that my kid looks up to. I'd inspire them to chase their dreams, listen to them, and be their friend when life gets tough. And I would work really hard just so they can live the best life that I never had. I would have a happy life with them in that life, in that timeline.

But I'm in this timeline

In this branch of reality, those things never happened.

I didn't get married, and I don't think I ever will. People think I talk to so many women and I'm "chatting it up" with some new love. But no, I'm single. Tragically single. Single since birth. I never had a girlfriend and I can confidently say that I've never been on a date. I'd laugh at anyone who thinks otherwise because recently, my phone went several weeks without anyone messaging me. No "hi, hello," no "good morning," no "I hope you have a good day!" fucking none of that. I'm not even talking to anyone whom I might be romantically interested in. I really feel no romantic love for anyone at this point. Legit, no one, zero, nada. This is such a sad statement to make because I had so many people message me on Reddit some months ago, and all of those went nowhere. What the fuck, man?

Being a dad, too? Not gonna happen. It's hard enough to actually find someone with whom I match well, let alone have a kid with them. I'm not dumb enough nor irresponsible enough to just match and have a kid with anyone. I'd at least want to be with a partner who's stable enough in life and open enough to have a kid with, but I'm not talking to anyone with that intent, no.

In this life, in this timeline, I am single.

And I might stay that way until I die. As a teen, I believed that love was always "just around the corner," and here I am: an adult with no one. It's been 15 years since I first fell in love, and I still have no one. Would you even have hope if you were in my position? Because I fucking don't, man. I'm nearing 30.

Before I fell in love in 2022, I was "wholly" single for 5 years—no talking stage, no crushes, no "mutual understandings," no one! And before 2017, I was 5 years love-less, too. But it will be 5 years since 2022 next year, so maybe by 2027, I will be hopeful? Unfortunately, this post doesn't end on a hopeful note.

And in this timeline, I'll die soon

Now, I'm NOT suicidal, nor am I severely depressed. Let's just get that out of the way lol. Actually, I've been pretty happy. But I have this thing where I count down to the age of 35 and I'll ask myself if I still want to live or not. And, uh, I didn't say this, but I obviously will continue to live if I have a wife and kid. I would never die on them!

But I don't have hope of getting married or having a kid anymore.

I've given up. I'm not getting myself on that timeline. I've tried everything. In this timeline, I'm going to just die on a set date (albeit later than planned) at 36 years old. It's over, bro. I just didn't find someone, haha. Fuck, I tried so hard, honestly. I waited so many times in cafes alone, tried so many dating apps, and met and chatted with 1,000+ people at this point. And yet in this life, I come home alone. I spend my time in my room alone. And I would probably die not knowing what true love is.

Whatever, who gives a shit, haha. I'm actually way past the "depression" stage in the 5 stages of grief. A kind of grief for a life I'll never have, a person who I'll never be. To be honest with you, I've accepted it at this point lol. This isn't some "pity party" either, and I'm not looking for anyone to change my mind. Like, I'm just straight-up telling you that I'm going to die.

So the plan is to just "live it up" until then. It's going to be a sweet ride alone. I'm going abroad alone, exploring the world, and seeing all the cultures of the world alone. I want to make the last few years of my life happy. I want to help others, see things from their perspective, and just find myself in the craziest adventures I can put myself in.

I've already started it. I'm going to Korea soon, alone. Solo trip, babyyyy. And next, Japan, and eventually I'll go backpacking across Europe like I've always dreamed of! I want to see the northern lights before I die, bro. I want to go bungee jumping off a cliff, skydiving at thousands of feet in the air, and be the positive change in so many people's lives.

Before I die in this timeline, I want to make it worth it. I already know it will all be over by mid-2035. Once there, I'll die in peace. No crying or what because I know I made the most out of my life. That I did something with it, even though I don't have anything worth staying for.

This is going to be a fun journey until then.