4,000-Day Journey

I've touched on this subject lightly in past posts, but I've always wondered what my life would be like at 35. I'm not sure why I decided on that number, although I feel like that age is where most people have their midlife crisis or something. But that age will be a pivotal moment in my life.

You may or may not know this, but I am going to decide to die at that age. It's not really a sad thing, to be honest. I just didn't see the point in more suffering and living an equally-sad life from that point onwards. I've had this belief for years now and the only thing that caused it was seeing my uncle continue living a miserable life from 35 onwards, dying at age 50.

Honestly, living until that point and asking the question, "Should I keep living?" is kind of dumb. It allows me to have the chance of a "good" outcome or chickening out at the last moment. So, as I was reading this story, I just came to a decision:

What if I really just died at 35?

I've thought about it and calculated the days remaining and, sure enough, it was around 4,000. Four thousand days left to live. Kind of creepy, right? It somewhat surprised me to see how many days I still have left.

Still, I've made a promise to myself. I'm still going to decide if I should continue living from that point onwards. The only thing that's changed this time is my outlook: I now firmly believe that I'll decide to just end it. Oddly enough, it fills me with a sense of relief to know that things are numbered.

It's my version of the saying "Live each day as if it were your last." Sure, this is all a perverse way of playing mental gymnastics upon myself, but, eh, this is the way I want to live.

I'm really curious as to what I'll do now. For now, I feel really relieved, but also weirded out over the fact that I have a countdown. I even went the extra mile to code a little widget in my taskbar that dynamically showed the days I have remaining.

Honestly, this is a weird experience and a strange decision to make, but I'll welcome it. I guess I should really just have fun and enjoy life for those days, right? I just don't feel worried about losing anything anymore as I'll lose it all in the end. The best I can do is enjoy what I really have now.

I should also use these days to do what I want to do, like... practice archery, explore and go to places, and form deeper bonds with friends and family.

So I'll just enjoy life, try my best, and let life surprise me. That's one way to change my outlook, however morbid it may be, haha.