Lost in Transition

For most of my life, I've always felt that I'm supposed to amount to something bigger. Maybe I might revolutionize a part of the world, or I might go on to make a project that impacts the lives of people around the world. In my defense, I've made big changes (to my life) and so far they have all been okay. Dropping out of college and then working full-time in the corporate industry, or switching job roles, and even staying in my current situation for years. All big changes had transition periods that lasted for months.

But, what if, I got stuck in a transition period that lasted for years?

My former longest transition period

Before I detail my current transition period, context is really needed. Transition periods aren't actually a common thing in my life, far from it. Somehow, I've always known where I wanted to go. Transitioning from high school to college was simple, I already knew and chose the bachelor's degree I was going to take even as a high school senior. My end goal was to take a degree to lead me into some kind of "systems administrator" role, basically a guy who manages computers on a large scale.

The degree I took was highly relevant to that pursuit—B.S. Computer Science. Even though I suffered some academic issues, I was still at the top of my programming classes. Even now, I'm still highly passionate about programming. I even have several hackathon wins under my belt. My college journey might have been turbulent but it was still on track. Until, one day, something bad happens that leads me to drop out of college altogether.

I won't get into the specifics of that bad event, but after that, I just stopped attending classes. I just didn't show up for class and spent the rest of my days at home. I might have been depressed at the time, but I didn't see a psychologist. I just had no interest in doing the things I liked anymore. I just wallowed in bed, sad because I had dropped out of college and felt that my life had been derailed.

My days were just filled with Reddit and playing visual novels that my laptop could handle. Not having a set schedule for the week, and not looking for a job. It was my NEET period. I tried to be productive by being a mod for some subreddits I was interested in, but that was it. Reddit, game, YouTube, sleep, repeat. Reddit, game, YouTube, sleep, repeat. Reddit, game, YouTube, sleep, repeat.

Until, one day, I got tired of it all. I dusted my creative skills, and made a resume from scratch and, after a solid month of applying for jobs, my new life started. Funny enough, I wrote a post that coincides with it: Departures and Arrivals. With that, my new life had begun. That transition period lasted just 4 months.

Today's transition period

So where does that put me now? Despite all of my accomplishments in the past 6 years, here I am once again asking myself the same question I had years ago:

Where do I go now?

To cut myself some slack, I can say that I (somewhat) made it in life. That dream of actually being able to manage computers on a large scale? I realized it. I am now a DevOps engineer who oversees multiple servers/computers, for both small and large-scale workflows.

2 years ago, I thought I was heading into this "new future" that would change everything. I had met a girl that my high school self would have wished they met back then and I thought that my new role as a DevOps engineer would usher in new, bright possibilities for my life. It was such a big transition, I had even lost some of my friends in the past that I used to always hang around with. All that just so I can have the status quo I have today.

Unfortunately, that did not pay off. I... stagnated. Things went sour with the girl and, even years into my company making me their DevOps engineer, I was still doing boring WordPress tasks and really irrelevant tasks that just made me dread going to work. I was so close to resigning. I almost have. For whatever reason, I somehow found myself sticking to the same dead things. I didn't leave either of the two and I didn't make any meaningful progress. What was once a dream of being happy and having such a bright future was just one slump in my life.

The liminality of today

Liminal spaces have many definitions online. But I think the current description on Wikipedia fits well:

In Internet aesthetics, liminal spaces are empty or abandoned places that appear eerie, forlorn, and often surreal. Liminal spaces are commonly places of transition, pertaining to the concept of liminality.

That's what my life feels like right now. It's in a transitory state between the past that's long gone and future I'm supposed to get to. It feels liminal to me because these are the times wherein I'd play horror games for someone, or I would stay up really late with them and I would just be playing SSX Tricky in the background while some scary video from SNARLED would be playing. I know I'm here today, but I don't know if this will just end tomorrow.

This is just that: a transitory space. I take a lot of screenshots in my day-to-day to serve as memories, and I take screenshots regularly these days. When I look back at screenshots taken from 1 or 2 months ago, looking at them just feels odd and lonely. It's like I'm looking at an abandoned point in time. It's only been a few months ago and I'm still with the same people I was with when I took the screenshot, but it feels like I'm far removed from that time when I took it. It's quite different from when I'm looking at a screenshot of Apex Legends with me, Jaze, Batao, Abbey, and Frits in the call. Looking at screenshots these days feels lonely.

I think the main difference is that I'm not at home in my current screenshots. With my old screenshots from 2021, I did have a home with my friends. Friends I regularly saw, confided in, and told my secrets and honest thoughts to. These days, I don't do that anymore. I rarely tell people what's actually bothering me. I'm always trying to find ways to change the situation I have now and keep moving. I'm not really making a home here, and I don't think I can either by just deciding that this is my "home." People I know and are close to are leaving. It's only a matter of time before I leave, too.

As I've said: this is just a transitory space. A space I'm stuck in that's between my past and my future. I know I have to leave. I guess that only leaves me with one last question.

So, where to?

This is going to sound funny, but I actually know where to go. I need to go into the next stage of my life and actually find a person I can build a proper relationship with and, soon, a family, just like how I had always pictured it. I should also have larger responsibilities, but even today I still encounter roadblocks in my work that barred me from doing my tasks. And even today, I still have not found a person I can call my first girlfriend, haha.

I am happy today, sure, but I am not fulfilled. It's been 2 years and I'm tired of just feeling "happy" or "okay" with no real sense of growth.

I always believe that there's a brighter future for me out there. One that genuinely allows me to grow and do well in life. A path that allows me to keep growing, and even flourish, into my later years.

I'll be honest. I'm in my current predicament because I also like it here. I can see why stagnating can seem comfortable to some. As much as I would want to, I can't make my home where I am now. I am far, far away from the fulfilling job I envision myself in and certainly far away from being in that loving relationship that allows me to be more than who I am now.

What I need is to just follow the advice I found while watching Last Week Tonight 2 years ago, which I wrote about in Slapped by an Epiphany:

Progress requires a consistent, sustained struggle. A willingness to disrupt everyday life.

A consistent, sustained struggle. A willingness to disrupt everyday life. That's something I haven't done much in the past few years. I've stayed at the same place, and tried to see the best in things, and even after all that I'm still disappointed. I am still nowhere further than where I was 2 years ago. I tried to make things work, I really did.

But it's now time for me to challenge the status quo.