What I’m Hopeful for in This Timeline

I didn't think I would make another post so soon, and still staying on-topic about timelines, too. I'm just going to be real in that I actually don't believe in other timelines and stuff. I even concretely said that I don't believe timelines/"the multiverse" in one post. What I don't like the most about it is that it drives me into fantastical thinking, and it kind of sours this life I am in now.

I think it's from when I had my first heartbreak, from my first love, was when I started thinking about "in another life" situations. Like, I could have ended up with them in another life. But a few months down the line, I eventually moved on. Naturally, I fell in love again, but the framework of thinking I developed was to just "accept it for what it was, give up hope for a better past." And it helped me move on, even though a lot of stuff remained unanswered from that relationship. (The girl did send me an email explaining everything, 7 years later, surprisingly. Also, we're still platonic friends now, yay.)

Now, as an adult, and after my 3rd heartbreak, I've finally cemented that mental framework:

If it wasn't meant to happen, it would have never happened;
consequently, things that are meant to happen, will happen no matter what.

So I've made peace in things not happening. But that still leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions: what could still happen? Where am I going? What is the end goal?

Do I hope to just die soon?

Let's just get the elephant out of the room right away.

I don't know, but obviously not! The thing is, even though I've partially resigned myself to that defeatist attitude of "just dying," I still actively work against it. I do not want to die.

But with how things have gotten lately, I've kind of resigned myself to it. My life has been pretty okay so far, but I've had a lot of things not go my way these past few years. Relationships (both romantic and friendships) are not working out, I still don't have a safe space, looming issues, a bunch of other external factors that I can't control but influence me. They all add up. After 27 years of being single and not meeting anyone who even tries to meet me halfway and stick it out with me through thick and thin, part of me has kind of been worn down.

So when that happens, I usually develop a pessimistic view of things. Even though, in the background, I still fight against it. Shit is all doomed to fail, but I'm still alive, and I can work through it. I'm not dead yet, so I have to keep trying.

Do I hope to fall in love and, maybe, even get married?

FUCK YES. I don't know about you, but I've been through some of the loneliest shit imaginable. As a below-to-mid-looking guy, I have seen so many people pass me up both on dating apps, face-to-face meetings, or even just digitally, without even showing my face or anything.

And I have followed through all of the bullshit advice people have given me: change it up, be different, dress well, work out, clean up after yourself, EXPECT LOVE, "just wait and you'll meet the one for you," be yourself, don't be yourself and be better, be the provider (girls like that), don't be too overbearing, time your replies, try shorter messages, express yourself in longer messages, "3 day rule," chat as often as you can, update her all the time (girls like that), don't blow up her phone too much (girls don't like that), wear this cologne, buy this product, subscribe to this course, follow this creator because they give good advice, join clubs, get better hobbies, find your niche, be yourself but also get better hobbies, try singles clubs, try online chatting, buy this product and cologne, be who you are, don't be too weird, don't be who you are, "love will come for you soon, just don't expect it!", expect love and it will come to you! Blah, blah, blah.

I'm sick and tired of it all! I'm so frustrated about all that. I kind of lost my sense of who I want to love and how I want to approach it.

The truth is: I just want a partner.

A person who I can just call as I'm laid back in my chair, talk about life, while we play some game like Minecraft, Sky: CotL, Peak, or something. A person who can play games with me and also make it fun to share them with. A partner who I can just call and say, "I JUST FOUND OUT THIS COOL MOVIE IS SHOWING IN THEATERS, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GO WITH ME TODAY, RIGHT NOW," and they'd be down to whatever adventure I open up, or what they open up. A partner I can share life with, go on many adventures with, and just share life with. My safe space.

It sucks to say, but I haven't found that person for me yet.

Fate has been absolutely cruel to me when it comes to love. I have met so many people, and I hear stories of dudes just finding the one for them in high school or something. I pray to God almost daily at this point, in hopes that I cross paths with the person for me.

Which is why I'm also not giving up on this front. I'm a little too old to be relationship-less, but I genuinely don't care. I'll put up a fight. I'll still put myself out there in the hopes that I just bump into someone who makes it all worth it.

I still hope to "win" in this timeline

Sunflowers are my favorite flower because they represent looking at something bright. To be optimistic and use that as a means to keep going.

I've been beaten up in this world. I didn't have a complete family growing up, I had horrible family members who got drunk and threw plates and shit. I dropped out of college. And yet, one of my old blogs was titled, "A Better Tomorrow." Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of a better future.

When I dropped out of college, it broke me into "this timeline." In the other timeline, I still pursued college by studying elsewhere, but in this one, I actually didn't do anything. I was severely depressed for a few months. I mean, who wouldn't be? For around 4 months, I just gave up and resigned myself to the idea that nothing will happen to my life.

But one day, I woke up.

A part of me still believes in a better future. Now, I'm him. The one who woke up and made a future for myself. I work in a senior developer job, I was able to help out so many companies and businesses over my 8 years of work experience. I empowered my friends and family by helping them with their websites. And now, I help people, I pay all the bills in my house, and I have a couple of expensive things like my own MacBook Pro, and I'm fulfilling a childhood dream to travel to Korea.

I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am now. I don't plan to throw it all away just because fate wasn't that kind to me. I will make a future for my own self, forge a path that I want to go down, and stick true to my core beliefs of optimism. I'm not going to give up on this timeline, even if I try until the last few minutes of my life.

I'm going to win in the end. It'll be a fun journey until then.