Now, as I arrive at the future I'd once hoped for, it seems lackluster with so many of my problems of the past being carried through here. Even now, as I weave the thread for what would be my life in the future, I'm uncertain. There are so many "bad endings" and scary possibilities that I can't account for.

Arriving here in the future did make me realize one thing: the past.

My life years ago was mired with so many problems I've seem to have forgotten. Rejections, homework, financial worries, emotional problems. But when I try to take a look back, they all seem to have disappeared. I can only remember faint traces of the past events that were extremely grueling for me to emotionally go through.

One of which is still recent, in 2018. I remember so many nights of walking home from the office to the bus terminals in the city. I remember feeling cold and alone on those nights. The music from "Some Nights" was playing and I just ran screaming, singing when no one was around. Looking back on it now, I miss those days, funny enough.

Then there's high school. During those days, all I could ever think about was, "I can't wait to get out of this place and see the real world," said the "trapped" high schooler to himself. I remember wanting to get out of it so much but now that I'm "out" of it, I kinda want to go back. I've started to miss my friends, the environment, the struggles I had before that I couldn't handle well at the time.

Past me yearned for a future that was bright. Future me wishes to go back to a bright past.

Mentally, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place—the present. I know that I should savor and absolutely relish the time period that I'm in right now, for I know the day will come where I'll miss "these days." But it's just so hard to do.

I know that I should enjoy these days where I'm single and can make any major life changes I want, without thinking of my wife nor children (as I obviously have neither). I should be glad that I don't have to pay any apartment rent tomorrow, nor that I have to manage the funds for my children's tuition. Then I get reminded of the fact that I have crippling loneliness and this belief that I'll be alone the rest of my life.

It's hard to enjoy the present without being weighed down and succumbing to the pains and problems of today.

Being human is hard, isn't it, my happy west coast friend?

silhouette photo of a man fishing near shore during golden time
Photo by Sally Dixon / Unsplash

Fear not, I have a plan for this, or so I think. If my biggest regret is that I didn't enjoy my circumstances at this point, then my solution is to just, well, enjoy it. Duh, it was so simple! I wish.

In all seriousness, I have this problem of letting my current problems get to me. They weigh down on me so much even though my future self will see it as a simple obstacle. So what I'm trying to tell myself, begrudgingly, is, "This too shall pass." Knowing my dislike for simple phrases, it comes out as corrupted, tainted by uncertainty, "This pass shall, too?"

I still know that my problems of today will subside. My uncertainties: answered. My dreams: fulfilled (to an extent). My mountain of worries: reduced to pebbles. I just need to find time to breathe and remember that. Time will give me enough space to solve all these problems on my table right now and, almost cruelly, give me a new set of problems to worry about.

Keeping in mind that sentiment, I know that the mountain ahead will be a mere pebble for future me. It is my responsibility as the present self to take the first step in overcoming it.

" >
Life

This Pass Shall, Too?

Dartegnian Velarde

3 min read
This Pass Shall, Too?
Photo by Ezequiel Garrido / Unsplash

I've always scoffed at corny, faux-motivational lines such as, "This too shall pass," and other lines that offer hope to an inherently bright future, disregarding the pains of the present. It's ironic, given my stance, as I have always seen the future as something "bright, magical, better" with my other blog nodding to that idea.

Now, as I arrive at the future I'd once hoped for, it seems lackluster with so many of my problems of the past being carried through here. Even now, as I weave the thread for what would be my life in the future, I'm uncertain. There are so many "bad endings" and scary possibilities that I can't account for.

Arriving here in the future did make me realize one thing: the past.

My life years ago was mired with so many problems I've seem to have forgotten. Rejections, homework, financial worries, emotional problems. But when I try to take a look back, they all seem to have disappeared. I can only remember faint traces of the past events that were extremely grueling for me to emotionally go through.

One of which is still recent, in 2018. I remember so many nights of walking home from the office to the bus terminals in the city. I remember feeling cold and alone on those nights. The music from "Some Nights" was playing and I just ran screaming, singing when no one was around. Looking back on it now, I miss those days, funny enough.

Then there's high school. During those days, all I could ever think about was, "I can't wait to get out of this place and see the real world," said the "trapped" high schooler to himself. I remember wanting to get out of it so much but now that I'm "out" of it, I kinda want to go back. I've started to miss my friends, the environment, the struggles I had before that I couldn't handle well at the time.

Past me yearned for a future that was bright. Future me wishes to go back to a bright past.

Mentally, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place—the present. I know that I should savor and absolutely relish the time period that I'm in right now, for I know the day will come where I'll miss "these days." But it's just so hard to do.

I know that I should enjoy these days where I'm single and can make any major life changes I want, without thinking of my wife nor children (as I obviously have neither). I should be glad that I don't have to pay any apartment rent tomorrow, nor that I have to manage the funds for my children's tuition. Then I get reminded of the fact that I have crippling loneliness and this belief that I'll be alone the rest of my life.

It's hard to enjoy the present without being weighed down and succumbing to the pains and problems of today.

Being human is hard, isn't it, my happy west coast friend?

silhouette photo of a man fishing near shore during golden time
Photo by Sally Dixon / Unsplash

Fear not, I have a plan for this, or so I think. If my biggest regret is that I didn't enjoy my circumstances at this point, then my solution is to just, well, enjoy it. Duh, it was so simple! I wish.

In all seriousness, I have this problem of letting my current problems get to me. They weigh down on me so much even though my future self will see it as a simple obstacle. So what I'm trying to tell myself, begrudgingly, is, "This too shall pass." Knowing my dislike for simple phrases, it comes out as corrupted, tainted by uncertainty, "This pass shall, too?"

I still know that my problems of today will subside. My uncertainties: answered. My dreams: fulfilled (to an extent). My mountain of worries: reduced to pebbles. I just need to find time to breathe and remember that. Time will give me enough space to solve all these problems on my table right now and, almost cruelly, give me a new set of problems to worry about.

Keeping in mind that sentiment, I know that the mountain ahead will be a mere pebble for future me. It is my responsibility as the present self to take the first step in overcoming it.