This Isn't a Story, It's a Loop!

To be honest, I think I've been feeling frustrated lately. My life's been okay—good, even—but I've just been feeling restless a lot. No joke, I'm literally having trouble sleeping and I've been staying up late at night, just wondering, "what else is there to do?" with no clear answer.

I think everyone's been there before. I've read stories where people just felt "stuck" in their lives, but also felt the need to move and make a change. That's where I currently stand. I've said it in my last post, but I'm currently looking at a blank canvas. I'm grateful to have a clean slate again, but I'm not sure what to convey and do after.

And this sucks because I hate the feeling of stagnancy or being "stuck" in life with no real sense of growth. Out of all the thoughts I could ever have, thinking about me being stuck at a certain stage in life genuinely makes me sad. I don't want to grow up being stuck like this or that, I want to do more things in life and actually fight for my dreams.

The thing is, making those dreams come true involve a lot of hard work and effort. That effort starts with me realizing what's going on.

This scene is taking too long

It might not be obvious, but I have a lot of goals in life. I've aspired to be many things, like starting out to be an astronaut, then racing driver, and then IT guy who manages many servers. One thing I didn't mention was that I actually wanted to be a dad for the longest time in my life. Seriously, this started with me, as a kid, wanting to become a parent. You can blame the SpongeBob episode "Rock-a-Bye Bivalve" for hammering the idea further in my head. But I've always wanted to be a responsible, approachable parental figure that's wise and kindhearted.

That ambition is kind of sad when I admit that I only wanted to be that because I couldn't find an adult who was that. I've never had a figure like that in my life growing up. That made me have an inner voice that acts like an adult, even though I already am one now.

So, for the longest time, one of my ambitions was to start a family. Obviously, that can't happen right now because I've been single my whole life, and I still am.

This "chapter," "era," "phase," whatever you call it, has been dragging on for so long. I appreciate my own company, but, frankly, it's not the only life I want to live. I don't want to be just happy that I'm alone, single, while the rest of my peers get married and have kids, as I silently give up on that dream without putting up a fight for it. This has been going on for so long and my frustration's only compounded by the fact that I just got out of a situationship that I thought was going to build up to something, only for me to end up single again.

Me, alone, watching movies alone, enjoying my own company, just like how it used to be back in 2021. Seriously? Like, back in 2021?

This can't be the plot again

The writers of my life are getting lazy, I swear. Take a look at my current scene: I'm alone on a weekend, with no friends to hang out with, just my company to be with, and even fucking COVID's coming back.

Seriously? This can't be the plot again. I hate how this applies to other things, too. I was just rejected by someone whom I loved. Another relationship that didn't work out. Yet another romance that involved me trying my best, only for the girl to have some mysterious reason that will cause them to not even let me court them properly. I've only had it happen thrice, but, God, I'm so tired of having it happen already.

I don't know about you, but I hate recycled plot devices.

Guy falls in love with girl, the girl and the guy become close and they like each other's company, but their romance is already doomed and doesn't even start. At the very least with my last one, I had it "good" for at least a month back in January of 2022. But after that, it was predictably bad. It went the same way all of my other one's went: a tragedy.

It's kind of sad that I wasn't given a proper chance. I know I deserve more than just a 1-month free trial to a relationship.

I want to actually be surprised for once, to have things work out peacefully. Rejection? I get that so much, it's boring. What I haven't experienced are things going right in my relationships. I'm tired and bored of the same reasons why it didn't work out: an ex, a hidden person they've been keeping a secret, everything. I think I've heard everything and I'm sick of hearing the same, generic reasons.

More than anything, I want the plot to change. To actually have a chance at meeting genuine company that I can be with, and who genuinely likes mine back. I've always and only experienced the bad stuff, the crippling anxiety, all for it to end up to rubble one day.

And I'm not willing to give up on it. I can easily resort to cynicism; heck, I'm already doing it right now. I keep telling myself, "our soulmate already died, bro," or "she probably died in a ditch 2 weeks ago." I've always had this mild belief that the person for me could be dead. Funny enough, there's actually a song someone shared with me that goes:

Now you might think that this girl only exists in your mind
But she's real, but last week she died

Thanks, Bo Burnham.

It's so easy to give up, to just give in to cynicism. "I've been single for my whole life because the one for me is just not here." But my heart refuses to believe in it. My life has been as tragic as my romance story: a poor, sad life where I just dropped out of college and I have no future ahead.

I could have easily given in. But I didn't, and instead fought for a future I still believed in. The blog I had back then was titled A Better Tomorrow because I always believed in the fight for a better future.

Maybe for the plot to change, something else needs to change first.

If the plot doesn't change, I will

Throughout my life's journey, I've always came face to face with one glaring lesson: progress requires a consistent, sustained struggle; a willingness to disrupt everyday life.

I learned about this back then while watching Last Week Tonight. It still is the main epiphany of my life. The theme of a "meaningful struggle" holds weight because my life has always been about defiance and struggle for a better life, a better tomorrow. And even though I'm tired of experiencing struggle, I'm not giving up and I'm not resorting to cynicism, especially not now.

It feels like I'm living at the end of the story, but we don't live our lives at the end of the story. This is the middle of the story and I have to fight for a better end.

So that means a few things. One, getting a healthy routine in check. A proper bedtime and a proper diet. I should really stop the take-outs and whatnot. I have to be more fit, not for the aesthetic, but because I want to live a long and healthy life ahead. I don't want to be overweight and then have health problems, then use those as an excuse for not taking my kids out. No way! So that's one.

I have to kick out all of the unhealthy things, too, especially relationships. I know now the importance of prevention being better than a cure. No toxic relationships. If anyone comes up to me, confesses they love me, and a month or so down the line, they admit their undying love for their ex but still want to keep things close and intimate, they are going out the door. The same goes for one-way relationships with friends. No more friends ranting their hearts out to me and forcing me to stay up to listen to them. I genuinely love my friends as an extrovert, but I don't think anyone's important enough for me to destroy my routine for them.

Lastly, I have to admit that I have flaws and that I need to work on them. Not everyone's going to like me, but I need to have an open ear to listen to criticisms and feedback. I have a lot of rough edges that I still have to polish and ignoring them won't help. Actionable things like taking accountability, sourcing feedback, and genuinely putting in effort to change my ways can, well, go a long way in helping me get to that future. The future that I want to be in, the story I want to plan for.

The story I want to write

I really am corny. This whole post is just me wanting to reach one simple thing in life: my happily ever after.

Just maybe, all of this struggle, heartbreak, and change is worth it in the end. The reason why all those loves didn't work out, why genuine love is still hard to come by, is because there's a better story for me out there. Maybe there's still a better story to write about.

Now, this is really going to be funny if I do find love and life takes it from me or we end up separating. But knock on wood, hopefully that doesn't happen. I genuinely do hope this just leads to a cute, fun story in the end that lasts forever.

Like I said earlier, I do just want things to work out. I want to be surprised for once. To have something that doesn't blow up, to just have something worthwhile to build up to: a relationship that lasts, friends who have my back no matter what, a career that's fulfilling. And thankfully, my career has been going great recently, so I am starting to see the future chapters more clearly now.

Maybe that's how my life is supposed to go. A cyclical struggle for something better, and in order for me to achieve progress, I need to ask myself the same set of questions, time and time again, essentially: "What else is there to do?" And I have to ask myself that again and again, even to frustration, until I find the answer to break out of it.

To be honest, I think I've been feeling frustrated lately. My life's been okay—good, even—but I've just been feeling restless a lot. No joke, I'm literally having trouble sleeping and I've been staying up late at night, just wondering, "what else is there to do?" but I know what to do now.