One Foot in Yesterday

Hi, it’s been around 2 weeks into my new life.

I’m actually just getting settled in and setting up my own space. My processes are messy and all over the place, so excuse me for that. But wow, this is definitely a new chapter in my life. This is really it! New people, different setting, even the music has some new tracks. You know, I’m honestly surprised because some of the new people I’ve befriended recently were actually impressed by my life story and what I’ve done so far. Senior IT role at 26. Not bad, eh? Getting all those compliments must be really great and I sound like I’m really happy. But, for some reason, it doesn’t feel like that.

Sure, I’m happy, I honestly feel blessed. But in my current spot, who’s there to be happy with me? I got to where I’m supposed to be but at what cost? Who’s that person for me to share good news with and, more importantly, who do I share my troubles with?

Putting my best foot forward

It might not be that obvious, but I’ll spell it out: I’m so fucking lonely, yo. I’m at another trough in my life that leaves me away from everyone and I, for some reason, have trouble reaching out to my current set of friends. Still, that didn't stop me from reaching out to new people, especially online. I still act friendly and courteous with new people because I really just want a friend right now. A person I can trust or share things with. Or even a whole group of them! I’m extroverted, I can handle this.

In terms of meeting new people, I’m thankfully no slouch at it. I’m talking to a good handful of people right now and getting to know them. One in particular actually asked me if I’m free to hang out with them, but I had to refuse because I got sprained recently. Even though I got sprained, I’m trying to keep my spirits up.

One girl actually reached out to talk to me again, even though we haven’t talked in a year. Since they told me that they had already moved on and that they were genuinely sorry, I was fine with accepting them into my new life. Why not, right? I believe that people should get second chances and that people can change. I don’t think I should deny a person who wants to genuinely patch things up with me, so I accepted them. I talked to them the same way that I'd talk to any one of my friends. I would be genuinely interested in their stories, what they have to say, what they did, and so on. I treat people the exact same way I want them to treat me.

It all seems like sunshine and rainbows so far, right? I am genuinely putting my best foot forward. I‘m putting it so forward, I think I have forgotten to be cautious and I got a little carried away, to the point of making a misstep and injuring myself. Both literally and figuratively. As I said before, my foot sprained and it‘s still super painful to walk with. When I rolled my ankle before, almost 2 years ago in early March 2023, I had someone reach out to me.

I had… someone reach out.

1 step forward, 3 steps back

I had a fight with someone 2 years ago. But during that time, they never left me alone for days straight. On the day that I got sprained (only 3 days after the fight), we started talking again and we were back to our usual banter. They were making jokes at my expense, too.

I remember that I was in pain and lifting my foot up because my ankle started swelling. But, funny enough, I don’t remember any pain. It’s weird because I marked that day as an awful day in my mood calendar, and maybe 2023 me would have placed a bigger importance on the bad things happening. But 2025 me looks back at that day as a happy day. Above average. Green. At the end of the day, I was laughing, talking to someone, and as I was rambling to them how shit my past few days have been and how I’ve tried to forget about them, they say this:

It’s okay I am [still] in your life ofcs

Reading that line brings me to tears a bit. Despite how much we’ve gone through and how much I admitted that I don’t want them, they were still gentle enough to reassure me that they were still in my life. The next day, we were back to calling each other and talking like usual. They even played a game while I just guided and watched them. We played checkers on Discord together. They wanted us to watch this new anime together and…

Now I have no one. It sucks. I’m honestly full-on crying as I write this paragraph. The reason why I was able to weather so many storms before, and the person who brightened up my days when I was sad, was someone. Now, I just went through so many days of being alone and lonely. The girl that messaged me recently is just ranting problems to me, dumping stuff one-way without even letting me share my experience, and they even got jealous because I posted a photo of my sister and me. She thought that my sister was my girlfriend. Now I have to be careful of who I take photos with? I have to deal with this, too? They don’t even know or care about who I am. If they did, they would have known my sister by now or what she looks like. This person doesn't actually care. This is so weird and sad. Who do they think they are?

Honestly, old me was happy to just have someone that stuck by my side. Looking back at old screenshots and messages, they really did have empathy for me. We called, they streamed some games, but most of all, they kept me company and made me smile. They made me smile. Who do I reach out to right now? Can anyone actually make me smile through these times?

I think the answer to that is a sad no. I’m starting to regret that I galvanized the idea that I needed to leave someone so that my new life could start. I’m questioning if driving that wedge between us and ending things after her playthrough of God of War Ragnarök was the right thing to do. And now, I’m not so sure. Even though we both had a sense of the sunk cost fallacy, we still kept going. Maybe I could have just gaslit myself into thinking that I can still power through the stress. Maybe I could call in a favor from myself so I could continue staying up 21 hours straight, until 5 a.m., with them. But after 122 days of no contact, it just seems worthless to think about it and it’s wishful thinking, at best.

So, here I am. I’ve made my bed, time to go lie in it. I can cry an ocean’s worth of tears and still find myself at the same spot, now underwater, after. I don’t think reaching out to them will do anything either. I think, out of anything, the best thing I can do actually sounds counterintuitive. The only way to move forward is to go back.

Taking a step back

I think I’ve overwhelmed myself recently. I got so caught up in this pressure to excel and meet new people that I just forgot to take it slow. Looking at it, had I tried to walk slower that Sunday afternoon, I wouldn’t have gotten myself sprained. Life wouldn’t be that different now, it would still generally be below average, but it would be a bit better.

The same also needs to happen with how I have been navigating things. I’m still hurt. My own peace should be my main and only priority. I don’t owe anyone an explanation about who I’m with, nor should I worry about how often I should talk to a new person. No one is that special to owe an explanation for their late replies to me, and neither should I. Sure, life is lonely now and I’ve been single my whole life, but it’s fine. I’m used to it. Even though I miss having a dedicated person to watch horror with, call daily, or even just to tell them how my day went; I would much rather spend my time alone doing the hobbies I love in peace than to have my days filled with strife over the smallest things.

I should really take a step back and put distance on scenarios that stress me out. I’m glad I’m single now because I’m actually free to fall off the face of the earth for a few months to do my own thing. Really, I’m serious. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I'm not tethered to anyone. But really, I want to just look at where I am in life and address the most important things first.

Acknowledging the past is one way to get out of it. Despite all their faults and flaws, I did love someone. They were not only a person that made me smile, but someone who I found genuine compatibility with. They understood my jokes, how my world worked, and in return I shared so many of my hours awake with them. Even though it’s so easy for me to talk to so many other people, I don’t fall in love with just anybody. The ones I romantically loved are just a handful: 5, exactly. That’s throughout my entire life so far. Quite a funny number considering I’ve probably met around 1,500 people at this point (if my math is correct). I’ve had so many dating profiles and talked to so many people online as well. But someone was special and I know I made the right choice. While my choice resulted in yet another heartbreak, I know I didn’t make a mistake. This leads to the right path in the end. One day, I’ll know the reason why all of those past loves never worked out.

That’s how I should direct myself through all of this. I made my choices because I know that there’s still a more meaningful path for me. As nice as it was, I didn’t want to spend my entire life staying with someone who literally said they couldn't commit to me. I don't deserve to be trying my best for a person only for them to put me in this weird box, constantly wondering if they'll suddenly leave one day or stay with me forever. I deserve to be properly loved as I am, so I had to move on from that one, too. Moving forward in life isn’t linear, it doesn’t have to be. There will be times when I look back at how things were, then compare and contrast them with how things currently are. Then the next day I could be playing hype songs and be so grateful to the world that I chose a path that gives me another chance. That’s life.

The important thing is that I keep moving forward, even if I have to take a few steps back to do so. Someday, I’ll have both feet across the line.