Thank You for Listening

Being a listener is just exhausting haha. What makes listening more tiring is when I have to do it to people who I know are temporary, or when I listen to people who I know won't listen back. I'm not entirely sure what I do that makes people open up, but some people really just open up to me so they can dump all of their feelings, trauma, and things they keep secret.

Personally, it sucks when people do that to me. When they just dump all of their feelings and quickly say, "I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for listening!" It gets worse when I talk to those people who just yap and yap, and keep making it about themselves. I know some people who are in my life now who just love to talk about who they are, what they do, and what their feelings are, but have never asked how I'm doing.

While it sucks, things weren't this way before. I wasn't some listener, but a friend who equally confided my feelings. I had people not only ask about how I'm doing, but also people who listened back.

The group that always listened

I think I've said it enough times already, in several posts on this blog. The Empty Call List, It Was Always a Good Time, Everything but the Kitchen Sink, and a lot of others. But through the years, I've lost super-integral friends that were so special to me. People with whom I would spend hours on Discord with and we'd all equally share our thoughts, feelings, and even the most random things. Even though those people are still in my life, things just aren't the same anymore. I've tried to replicate that kind of group, but recreating a group to play games with that is only filled with strangers is just hard.

Maybe my best guy friend also contributed to this feeling. One day, he got really tired of me just ranting to him when I was in that weird situationship with this girl. So I just shut up, I've stopped telling him about the girl and the situationship, even though there were still things about it that were bothering me. When he got into a relationship, it was just me listening to his problems. No, "oh yeah, I also had that with my last situationship," and no agreements, just me silently nodding and agreeing with whatever he has to say.

Over time, I converted all my friendships to be like that because I can't stand opening up to people, only for them to just randomly decide one day that they don't want to listen or have me open up to them.

It sucks, but rather than being the talker, I was just purely the listener in my relationships.

The quiet end of the conversation

I don't like to open up to people because I'm afraid that I'll be shut down by them haha. It's a valid feeling, too. I recently opened up to a person about some boring-ass, mundane thing about how I made my phone change wallpaper every morning, afternoon, and evening. They literally told me, "I don't care," and we proceeded to watch something that they wanted to watch.

The majority of the people in my life are concerned about themselves. It's honestly disturbing how one-sided many of my "friendships" are.

And it sucks fucking balls, to be quite honest. It fucking sucks. People are so damn selfish. It's almost always about things that they're interested in or the problems that they want to vent about. And I just shut up and put up with it. To them, it's always about "how I feel" or "what I went through" and never "how are you?" or "how has life been?" and it really alienates me from people.

I've had this feeling for a while now, and this probably reared its head because I've been the one listening to other people's problems recently. Plus, ILLIT just released a new music video, and it sucks that I don't know anyone to share it with. Just like the last time, I'd rather not just share it with people just to get shut down.

When that person shut me down, I actually cried so hard. I haven't done that in forever. This wasn't just some stranger or some acquaintance, too. This was a person whom I've been their sponge for, for years. A person I spend countless hours with and the person I stay on call with the most. A person whom I've helped, given cat food to, and even provided free financial support for. A person like that can't even be a person who listens to my stuff every once in a blue moon.

And then I remember what LK said once again. That they found their safe space, a person who'll listen to them. I just cried because I don't have that. I've tried to show my best and genuinely be there for other people, and I don't even have a friend to share stuff with in the end.

Hopefully, a listening ear for me soon

I put up with all this because I genuinely believe that there will be better days ahead. I could kill myself now, but that's just ending my story on a bad note. I'd rather stay here until those happy days come. Maybe not now, definitely not soon, but maybe someday.

Maybe someday I'll be on Discord again, sharing things with people I know will stay in my life for years to come. Maybe someday I might find myself in love and with that safe space everyone keeps talking about. Perhaps someday my friendships won't be so one-sided, a time when my friends will ask me about how I'm doing and how they can be there if things go bad. I have this blog and my journal to pour out my heart and feelings to, but those aren't the same as having a fulfilling friendship with people who genuinely listen and care for you. So all I can do now is just dream and imagine those things for me.

I'm kind of tired just imagining those things. For once, I want them to actually come true. I'm absolutely dreading how many more times I'll be the listener for other people, so I just hope I find a way to get to those happy days ahead.