Someone I Used to Know

It's been six months since someone left my life. It's been such a wild journey since then. A lot has changed. From me leaving the same games we used to play every day, to even leaving the company we were in. It's been a really lonely ride, but I believe I've found peace in my current circumstances. Still, when the world gets too quiet at night and when the clock strikes 12—the time when I'd get up and tag along with her—I find myself missing them.

Their memory doesn't just haunt me in the night, either. Back then, when I found something interesting or funny, my first instinct was to share it with someone. Months later, I open the share button, and their name isn't on my contacts anymore. The space they left hasn't been filled with anyone, but it's just enough space for me to unwind and process everything that went on in the past 2 years. It took a while, but here's everything I've learned and unpacked.

So, who was someone?

Someone was a coworker I had in my past company, Dice. She's really pretty and I had a crush on her early on. I tried to talk to them way, way back in October 2021 but we didn't connect until January of 2022. She asked me about my diploma for their task, which I couldn't provide because I dropped out. I actually didn't strike up a conversation until Monday, January 10, 3 days later, because I found it odd that a person asked for my diploma, and that’s how it all started.

We got really connected that day. I tried to download Genshin Impact, a game they suggested, on my Android phone. I had Taeyeon as my wallpaper, and I told her that she shouldn't mind my wallpaper because she's just a girl from a K-Pop group. She then asked which group. It turns out, they were into Girls' Generation as well and I couldn't believe it at first. They were a Sone, too! We kept talking throughout that day and for the following ones.

The next few days were like a drug, honestly. We couldn't stop talking to each other. We had calls on Discord until 5 a.m. in the morning, and I'd be so groggy because we both had our work at 8 a.m., so just 3 hours of sleep for us. We eventually learn that we share a lot of common interests: blogging, K-Pop, video games, speaking in English, Taylor Swift, horror, and we just love watching musicals. We even had the same favorite musical: Phantom of the Opera! It didn't take long for me to realize that she was honestly "perfect."

A really pretty girl who's into the same things as me? It seemed impossible. And, yes, before you say anything, I actually have a lot of pretty friends, and I get along well with them platonically—strictly platonically. But someone was different. I already knew that I was starting to fall for them on just day 2 of us talking, and 5 days later, she confessed to me that she also liked me back! Pretty cute, right? Cue us confessing to each other and me totally falling for them. That was just in January.

One small problem, we kind of hit a bump by the end of January. It's on me. I was supposed to go to her house and get a letter from her, and then I'd go home so we could watch The Grudge together. The thing is, I went home super late that night. I was out with my friends, and they thought that we should hang out somewhere after visiting her place. To cut a long story short, that happened. We had an argument, and she said she wasn't sure about me anymore and needed some time to think. I honestly thought it ended then and there.

But in February, things still continued. This time, she wanted to bring her ex into the mix. They broke up a week before we met, and she still had feelings for her ex. The same ex that her relationship with was "horrible" and "a whirlwind of bad relationships." That ex. And we'd be sharing! What the fuck?! Great, an open relationship. Yikes.

Obviously, that ended horribly, but things still went on. Other people joined in the fray sometime later, around August 2022: 2 more coworkers. So it's us 4 coworkers and someone's ex. The 4 of us liking 1 person at the top. A "love pentagon," and there are actually more people involved. I just didn't get the full scope. But yeah, she tried to balance it by trying to give attention to us 4. She mainly has voice calls with me, played Nintendo Switch games with 1 person, had their ex nicknamed "Baby 💕" on Telegram, and called 1 other coworker when she was bored. There was even a day in 2022 where she had a Google Calendar schedule for us 3, she would be rotating between us, and we all knew it! We were there when she set it up! It was seriously the most rancid thing I've ever been through. It's not a surprise that it didn't work out in the long run, as some people just went into other relationships.

At the end of all that and a year later in 2023, it was just someone and I. I didn't keep my cool through all that, of course. I was anxious, and I had regular anxiety attacks. To this day, my heart gets a little anxious when I hear the Telegram notification sound. I never even experienced these before, and I've been through a lot in life. I was a public speaker who often spoke in front of crowds, and my nerves back then couldn't compare to this. But I'm glad to have seen it end in 2023, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

The space that someone and I had

2023 was when we started carving out a space that we both shared. Even though we already had our Discord server since 2022, 2023 was the year things really took off for our space. We had our own Discord server, named 4 Eyes and Eggs, and we called our voice chat "VHH" because our company would host "virtual happy hour" as an event back then. Also, because our Discord server had channels named after the same company channels we have.

In that server, we did everything. We were on call with each other for most of the day, we played games like Phasmophobia and Stardew Valley on there, sometimes I would stream a game and she would watch, and sometimes she would play a game and I would watch. She played God of War, I played The Classrooms, she played Red Dead Redemption 2, I played Hollow Cocoon, we played Lethal Company, Content Warning, Phasmophobia, The Forest, Sons of the Forest, Supermarket Together, It Takes Two, Overcooked 2, and most importantly, Sky: Children of the Light.

We had our own world in that server and in VHH. We didn't just play games, but watched countless movies, shows, and analog horror. We spent hours on the call each day, sometimes 17 hours. That server meant something to her and she even called it her safe space at one point. I didn't admit it, but that was also kind of my safe space, too. Watching stuff with her, talking to them every day, and playing games with them became my routine. I even ordered take-out food for both of us often. When she had a job on the night shift, I stayed up late with them. Every workday. Usually staying up at around 3-4 a.m., sometimes even 5 a.m., and we both went to work with only 3 (or fewer) hours of sleep. Just like before, right?

That used to be my life. My entire world revolved around someone. At this point, only a few of my friends knew about my state. I was suffering from a lack of sleep, yes, but I did it because I liked spending time with someone. I was the one who watched over them when they wanted to sleep a bit more. I streamed videos until they fell asleep on the call. I was drowning and tired as hell, but I didn't care. As I said in Everything but the Kitchen Sink, I'd rather give up everything I can than lose the routine I've gotten so used to.

Someone was a main pillar in my life and I was the one who did everything for them. I stayed up so late, even though I was often sleep deprived. I ordered take-out for them, even getting them ribs when they were sick and needed a pick-me-up. I was their alarm clock that woke them up for their job late at night. I took notes for them and reminded them of certain things. Oftentimes, I helped them out at their job on a serious level. I even bought food for their cats and I took them to the vet back then. Sure, I was being taken advantage of, but I didn't care. I was happy enough to have a purpose.

Even though we did a lot and I seemed happy enough, deep inside, I wasn't. Things were stagnant. I talked about it in Lost in Transition:

I am happy today, sure, but I am not fulfilled. It's been 2 years and I'm tired of just feeling 'happy' or 'okay' with no real sense of growth.

Each day bleeds into the next, and I wouldn't have been able to tell each one apart if I didn't have a mood calendar. I didn't grow there. I knew that I had to let go. But I couldn't actually bring myself to just walk away or talk them out of it. I just told them that things should end after her playthrough of God of War: Ragnarök. I drove that final wedge between us in September. Our "situationship" was fundamentally unstable. We kept wanting to say goodbye and make up again so many times. Even someone herself wanted it to end by May, but "couldn't bring herself to go cold turkey." What did work was me driving that wedge, as things were different after September. Our last month together was October 2024.

On October 31st, 2024, someone walked away from my life on a random Thursday.

Her last words were literally "good bye." Unlike the last few times, I didn't try to reach out to ask her to come back. And unlike the previous times, she didn't send a single word to me anymore. It's been 6 months since.

The space someone left behind

The space someone left in my life is massive. It took me so many years to find someone like them—decades, even. I tried finding someone I could connect with on a level like that everywhere. On dating sites, forums, irl meetups, bars, cafes, everywhere! But someone was super unique.

She understood how much of my world worked and genuinely took an interest in the things we shared. I knew she understood me when she said, "I know why Dart would like this song." She said that because she finally listened to Sour Grapes by Le Sserafim, and I've been recommending that to her.

I purposefully didn't try filling in the space they left behind. I didn't find another person to talk on Discord every day, I don't play Sky with anyone anymore, and I even stopped watching analog horror. I stopped playing video games as a whole. It sucks because I love those things, too. It's pretty sad to see a K-Pop thread on Reddit and just know for a fact that someone would like it, but then I remember they're not in my life anymore.

For the past 6 months, I haven't reached out to them on purpose. Even though it's actually easy for me to ask them to come back. I have asked them to come back when they walked away initially. But after walking out a second time, I get the message. Sure, if I really wanted them to come back, it's pretty easy for me to reach out to them. I know their contact number, email, Telegram username, work email, Viber account, home address, Steam profile, and more! I was even able to contact their mom so I could send a PS5 controller to their house and that's without contacting them.

If I wanted to, I could've shown up to their house in the morning, boombox in hand, playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

Leaving was their choice to make, and I shall respect that. Back then, they told me that they couldn’t go cold turkey because she felt like she’ll just reach out to me eventually. And now, it’s been 6 months since.

I’m not some saint who did nothing wrong, honestly. She has her reasons for leaving and it was probably also because I was being too difficult for her. Our cycle of leaving and then getting back is too toxic. I guess she really had no other choice but to leave.

My main feeling after that wasn’t sadness, but rather shock. I was surprised that they just left nonchalantly. No large bang, but like the ones before, with a whimper.

After someone, no one

When I was starting to get to know them, I thought that we’d be together forever. Call it corny and call me a cornball, but I genuinely believed it. They talked about the importance of communication and how we should share everything immediately with each other. This sentiment was further reinforced when I got that letter from them.

That letter at the end of January? Yeah, the one near the start of this post? It was a love letter, and it had this:

Here's to hoping we stick with each other whatever happens.

I guess they forgot that sentence now, but it stuck with me. The reason why I did everything that I did, and why I stuck for so long, was the belief that we'd fix things eventually. Up until the end, I did stick with them, whatever happened. The reason why I had a small argument with them on October 31 was that I was still staying up with them, even when I had interviews lined up later that day. I wasn't getting any sleep. They kept leaving and re-joining, even though I'm trying my best to stay up late to talk to them. And even in there, I told them that "I'd like to talk to you forever," but I guess someone just brushed it off like it meant nothing.

I genuinely did my best to fulfill all my promises. That controller? I promised them that I'd give them that. When I got a job offer on January 17, 2024, I was supposed to leave Dice by then. But we had arguments, and she brought up that I promised them that they would leave Dice first before I did. True to my word, I kept that promise and rejected the job offer, and someone left in August 2024. I left months later and in 2025.

I did everything that I could and more. It sucks to end up full circle: back to being alone. After enduring all that pain and anxiety, my reward was being alone again. Great. This time, with fewer friends and no one fully knowing what I went through. With me, spending nights like this alone.

And on nights like this, my mind starts to wonder. Maybe she's talking to some other person right now, or maybe there's a version of me out in the multiverse that did this 1 thing that made her stick with me. Maybe, in the future, she'll meet a person that'll give her everything that she wants.

Maybe that's right. Maybe that person will give her everything she wants. But I gave her everything I had.

So, who is someone?

It's interesting to think about multiverses. Maybe Hugh Everett's "Many-worlds interpretation" is correct. If that is true, then I guess I envy that version of me, haha. But honestly? I don't care. Even though it's tempting to think about it, what matters the most to me is this slice of reality I'm in: today. No past lives, no multiverses, no future people, no fated souls, no manifestations, no magical thinking. I'm here today, this was my story with someone, someone left, and I lost them.

So I guess the common conclusion is that I hate her?
Or I have bad feelings about that whole thing?

Actually, no. I miss them. It's been months, and I would love to go into VHH with them and ask how they're doing, how the cats are, and what's going on in their life. I don't really hate them, and I never did. I'm surprised that this is how I finally feel, but I'm even grateful to have met someone.

If there's some song that could encapsulate my feelings right now, it's Abba's Angeleyes:

Sometimes when I'm lonely I sit and think about him
And it hurts to remember all the good times
When I thought I could never live without him
And I wonder does it have to be the same
Every time when I see him, will it bring back all the pain?

Throughout all of that, I genuinely loved them. Like I said, I don't fall in love with many people in my life, just 3 so far, but I believe I made the right choice. Even if it led me to heartbreak. I‘ll continue to cherish and hold these memories deeply. One of the reasons why my mood calendar exists is that I want to document how my days with someone went. Both the bad days and good days were documented, every night we stayed up was written about, because I believed that they're worth it.

At the end, someone and I both have our flaws that we couldn’t overcome. After January 2022, we were never on the same page helping each other out. That led to resentments because I couldn’t communicate with her, and neither could she with me. It caused us to have a falling out in which no one reached out anymore. How I wish we shared one more fun day in person before actually saying goodbye. That was supposed to be the baking day. It sucks, but that’s life. I tried to bring them happiness, but I guess the best I could do now is to wish that they find their own happiness, even if it’s sadly without me.

After someone

Someone changed my life.

I don’t get to say that every day, but they literally did change the course of my life. Remember that job offer earlier? I turned that down because of someone, and now I have a better job offer. I actually think I got the perfect job, at a great company, too. This is everything I wanted and envisioned at 26. Rarely do people ever change my life for the better, and yet someone did.

Who knows where life takes me from now on? Because someone stopped me from leaving, I got this job later in the future. Maybe because of this job, I‘d learn a skill that will play a crucial role in my 30s and 40s. Maybe I might save up for a MacBook earlier, and that makes me stay at a cafe where I meet some lifelong friends. Or who knows? My life after someone is genuinely a blank canvas, and I’m trying to draw what comes next.

A lot of people have warned me to not talk to them if they ever reach out. But I know I would open the door if they ever came back. Our Discord server is still there, and I honestly kept waiting for them every day to join in. There were days when I wanted to wake up to a message from a number ending in "71" or they "joined the Discord server." I had dreams, many dreams, where we would talk again, and then I'd wake up to find that they're still gone.

I actually asked someone that. Apparently, I wasn't the first guy they played Sky with, and she had a falling out with the guy prior. When I recommended that they reach out, they vehemently didn't want to. It scared me to think that she wouldn't reach out anymore, and I guess that's my reality now. She's never going to reach out. I guess I'll just continue to live my life as it is.

Still, I don’t think I want to fall in love for a while. I’m definitely NOT going to try to overwrite my experience by getting a new relationship so soon. For a while, it’ll just be me and my thoughts as I sit in the shade, staying out in the sunshine as I enjoy the new chapter of my life that someone brought me to.

As a special thanks for reading up to this point, I actually want to share a cute tidbit. Ever since the start, even on my mood calendar, I called her “someone.” This was her alias and actually kind of a second pet name (the first one was her name in Sky earlier). If things went right and we ended up together, I’d stop calling her “someone” and affectionately call her my “special someone.” Cute, right? I’m such a cornball, man. Too bad I’m never going to use that, haha. No way would I ever recycle that either. But anyway, I guess that’s who I am.

And this is where I am. I’m exactly where I need to be, and I’m happy for it. Even if things didn’t pan out, I can still derive a life lesson from it. I'll find meaning regardless. In the universe where we ended up together, my lesson is perseverance, holding on to promises, and trying my best. But in this? It’s also about trying my best, and then knowing what it means to love someone whatever happens, letting someone go, and eventually learning how to make a struggle meaningful.

Hence, a meaningful struggle. Here we are.