I set all my regrets on fire
Cause I know I'll never take the time
With heavy thoughts, a heavy heart, and heavy regrets, I took off for the night. As the evening was quickly approaching, there wasn't a more perfect time to leave my current headspace and get myself out of this room that's chock-full of memories.
I never really knew why I wanted to leave so quickly, but I just needed my own space to think about things. To think about what's happened the past month, how this relationship shall go on, how I've truly been feeling. I know there's something I'm hiding—even from myself. So I guess my want to have space to breathe and analyze things was me just trying to understand deeply how my real heart feels.
Out of all the places I could've decided to visit, I decided on one. Only one. The place where it all began: the big city.
I stopped by the train station I always used to go to, the same one I rode while listening to so many Vocaloid tracks. I was going through an extreme Vocaloid phase while I was in my first job and all I could remember was holding my old phone while riding the train. All I can remember for that moment was the dread and, ironically, the sense of peace I'd get when the train would arrive.
As I move away from the train station, I am greeted by a familiar road, the same one I used to walk down on my way back home from work. Dispelling the day's stress and monotony onto a single stretch of asphalt. My gloom, displeasure, distaste all spilled invisibly across these city pavements. It's funny that, as my old self was happily walking down this one, from my workplace, I am on the flip side of the road, begrudgingly walking towards my workplace.
My dinner was spent at this new mall that was only opened on the tail-end of my time in my first company. I remember my 2 close friends (from the company) and I talking at the coffee shop there, exchanging gifts for 2020. It was the end of our time together as coworkers, but not as friends.
With a full energy bar, I quickly start my long journey and walk around the many avenues and streets that I used to call home.
Passing by so many areas, I can't help but remember their significance at one point in my life. I pass by the KFC joint that I first ate in during my new-employee days. I walk down the avenue that I walked down during my first day on the job. The park and general area where my closest office friend and I used to walk around.
So many memories, so many moments shared.
I remember the emotion I felt when I used to walk down all these places: filled with dread and displeasure, but happy nonetheless. It was weird to have to balance both my thoughts of the past while thinking of the future I'll have.
My emotions all culminated at the end of my journey, in one place. The place where my path in life really started to diverge: an overpass.
This overpass really changed my life, honestly. I feel like my life would've just continued on at my first company for years if I hadn't walked around this overpass at night. If I took a simple ride to the bus terminal, I might be in a different place in life right now. But no, I walked there. I walked on this overpass every night, playing songs.
I played the same songs I did all those years ago: "Stars" by fun. and "No Logic" by Megurine Luka.
Those two songs really epitomized my feelings at the time. "Stars" would make me feel like my life's answers and path were all up in the stars. I was so confused at the time, unsure of which path would be right. There's a part near the end where the singer breaks down, screaming and all, and I could feel is the same amount of sheer pain and agony in their voice. "No Logic" was yet another song about existence, about being unsure of life, but wanting to live a life and go down a path that is, imperfectly, by their own decision.
You may not believe me, but I really enjoyed playing those. Songs about finding paths at a time when I was path-less. I was searching for the truth—the way—and those songs were a way for me to find my own. In the end, they influenced me to snap off my path in life. I was supposed to stay in the company for at least 2 years, pushing it to 3 if the first two were good. But almost into 1 year of me staying, I figured out the truth in me and the path I shall take.
Reliving the past and retracing my path led me back to the same spot. In the end, future me figured out a path that led to struggles, hardship, and most of all, joy I could've never thought of at the time. Happiness literally beyond my wildest imagination.
I solved it! Despite the agony and through the pain, I grew into someone who was brave enough to choose a path for themselves.
Admittedly, I needed to realize all of that.
Amidst all the discomfort, hurt, trials and tribulations, suffering, burden, guilt, I'll find the right path. The most-right path that I believe I'll build a future on. A path that will, eventually, lead to the solution of the problems of my today.
When I look back at all those once-painful moments, sure, I feel the pain; however, looking back at it with a lens of the future, I can mostly find happiness. In reality, I don't regret joining my first company, I don't regret meeting the people there. I don't even regret a single significant event of my life. Things can always be better, I can always be happier. But why would I yearn and cry for a path that I never took when the path I've already trekked has made me grateful?
I'm glad I'm here. Whatever pain I went through back then was all necessary for molding me into the person I am now. If I turn out to be angry and pissed at the world, then that's my fault. It's up to me to actually decide if all the struggles I went through so far have been meaningful: having a broken family, learning so much from my failed romances, dropping out of college, taking my first job, taking on my current role, deciding to stay with my company, deciding on loving and making a wish on someone.
All of those led me to here, at this moment, looking back happily at all the struggles I've managed to overcome. I'm still scared and anxious about the challenges I've yet to see, but I know, deep in my heart, I'll overcome them someday.
Whatever path I walk, sing, scream, cry, or even run down upon, I know it'll lead me to my growth into a better person. Even if it takes me time, even if it hurts. I just need to remind myself that it'll all be okay soon. I'll give myself time, I'll find a solution, some way.