It's always extremely sad to lose someone close to you. It's even sadder when it's a conscious decision to let them go. Even though I want to think that it's not the case, the truth is that I have to really disengage from them.
You may or may not have heard of them on this blog (as I seldom mention them), but I had a best friend of 5 years. I met her on a dating app, but weirdly enough, I never made a move on them. I don't even know if they were a crush or not. The one thing I was sure of was that she was a friend from the start.
And, over the years, we just grew together. We hung out often, we played some online games whenever we could. We took a lot of photos together. We were so close to the point where I hung out at her place and it was usually just us two alone. We'd eat, watch a movie, or do usual friend stuff together.
And then 2022 happens: a true test for me as a person. I was losing things left and right and, in the whirlwind that was December, I lost them. I made a mistake and was given the cold shoulder for an entire evening, in person. I said sorry, I wasn't feeling okay already in the situation. It felt like going on the trip was an entire mistake. In the end, I left while they were all having fun. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
I think that was the end of our friendship. No, that really was the end of our friendship.
Even though they're willing to mend things with me and they told me I could come back... I should say no. The sad truth is, I don't think they're a best friend to me. They consider me as theirs, but I couldn't consider them as mine anymore.
Truth is, I'll make mistakes. I'll have bad decisions. I'll say sorry for it and make amends, and I'll mean it. But when I did so at the event (it was an instant realization), I was just met with cold shoulders. Apathy and not empathy. I went through a very rough year and they knew the full scope of it. I was crying so loudly on that night, hoping that someone would come and stay by my side. And yet no one was there. Not even my best friend.
A best friend for me means...
Someone who's got your back. Someone who can empathize and understand. Someone who'll at least try, on their end, to reach out and show concern. That night was our "make or break" point and, unfortunately, I was met with deaf ears and piercing silence.
That's why I'm letting go of them. It really hurts me to let them go, but I really should. I even tried to reach out to them, to say sorry. And on the following days, there was still no word from them. No calls, no texts, no message saying "it's okay" or "I'm sorry that happened." Just nothing. Not even a "how are you" or "hello." Just nothing, nothing.
Case closed. It hurts that I'm losing yet another best friend. I just hope that they'll do okay in their life. Rather, I know they will. I still believe in them, despite all that's happened.