Break in Case of Love

There's something corny I have to admit: I've been keeping a playlist of songs I want to play the next time I fall in love. I know, it really is corny, and it's also weird for a guy to keep something like that. But, personally, being in love and listening to music are big things in my life. Over the years, I've noticed that I tend to romanticize so many of my life's experiences, from my first job to hanging out with friends and even most of my day-to-day. Almost every day on my online journal has a song attached like it's a story of its own.

So if I romanticize a lot of stuff, it's only natural to romanticize romance itself! Oh, to be in a romcom of my own. My heart is already beating so fast at the first thought of our "meet cute." I wonder how we'll meet? Or how will we act towards each other? Would I fall in love fast and break that playlist right away, or will I take my time and have it break eventually?

Once I fall in love, I know for sure I'll break it. But sadly, it's been sitting in my library for almost 3 years now and the glass on it has remained basically untouched ever since. And it's kinda sad once I tell the reasons why.

Previous track

The last time I actually fell in love was in 2022. I met this wonderful girl who honestly matched up a lot of my interests, and we got along on a level I had never been on with anyone else. Unfortunately, the relationship was kind of doomed from the start, and it turned into a doomed situationship that eventually ended. Funny enough, my most-played song from Taylor Swift that year was "All Too Well," (and it's obviously the 10-minute version). Even though one of my top songs that year was a song about heartbreak, I still had hope.

I still kept playing love songs. I still had my heart skip while listening to love songs. I still believed that I was capable of falling in love again

So, I built that playlist. I titled it "Break in Case of Love" because I had this funny idea that I'll immediately fall in love when I meet the one. I would break this playlist and I'd listen to it immediately. It'll be like in one of those romance movies where the protagonist will meet the love of their life, and some song will start playing in the background.

To this day, the first song on that playlist is still "She's Got You High" by Mumm-ra. It's in honor of the last scene in "500 Days of Summer" where Tom meets the next love of his life, Autumn, after enduring such a horrible, doomed romance.

For me, maybe Autumn is still out there, and it's a matter of time before I meet them.

Now playing

So, it's been 3 years since. Maybe I had finally found the person I would fall in love with? Maybe I had already broken the playlist and found "the one" after all these years?

Well, not to spoil you, but the answer is no (at the time of writing).

Come on, it wasn't really a spoiler now, haha. But it's almost kind of surprising how it hasn't been broken in almost 3 years of meeting countless of new people, deepening connections, former relationships returning in my life, and finding myself in new places.

It did come close to breaking last June, but it was nothing more than the playlist's "glass" just coming close to breaking. Not me actually breaking it because I was sure of a person. Basically, I met a new person and the day I met them, I had this idea in my head that it would be "day one of my new life" or "one day of my current life." Unfortunately the answer was the latter, and that day just came and went. Nothing significant ever came from that day other than it being yet another day in my life.

These days, I don't play love songs anymore. Maybe I'll come and add a song or two every couple of months or so, but I'm not actively on the hunt for new songs to add.

I'm not even excited to add more songs anymore because I've kind of given up.

Skipping songs for a good reason

I think the reason why I "skip" on so many people is just that... I'm just too picky, haha. Yeah, I know, right? A person like me being picky? Sure, I am such a catch. I don't even have 12-pack abs to be picky with people I'll fall in love with. "Beggars can't be choosers," am I right?

No, but in all seriousness, I do admit that I'm picky. Not in terms of looks and definitely not because of money. It's because I just don't get along with anyone.

At this point in my life, I'm a fully-grown adult. I can admit that I'm pretty weird. I have a weird, strange sense of humor, and I listen to girly pop (and K-Pop!) music more than the average dude. I have interests that not even a lot of my friends share, like horror, K-Pop, multiplayer video games, blogging, and humor that's very Internet-centric. I know, not everyone is going to be a good match for me if I want my significant other to have all of those qualities.

Still, me being picky is totally valid. That's just my preference: I want a person who understands me and can get along with me. And believe me, I've seen SO. MANY. COUPLES where they both don't have any common interests and their relationship becomes stale or even resentful because one can't share their interest with the other.

One of my former friends got into this spot, and I kept telling them to break it off at the start because they'll soon resent the other person for not sharing their interests with them. Eventually, the gap between them grew and grew until my friend cheated on that person with someone new they've met who fully shares their interests. It turns out that compatibility really matters in relationships, I guess.

I can kind of say the same thing about some failed relationships I had when I used to use dating apps years ago. I'd say a joke, and the person would either be weirded out or not get my joke, and eventually we'd run out of topics to discuss because we're just different people.

Added three songs to the playlist

At this point in my life, I believe I've only fallen in love with 3 people. I don't want to reveal their names, so I'll just name them by the year I've met them: 2012, 2017, and 2022. The main reason why I fell in love with all of them was that they all genuinely loved to share things from their life with me and include me in so much of their interests.

For 2012, we mostly got into Minecraft together, and we built this huge mansion over the summer. They even prepared a special message underneath it, and it was so cute. She also introduced me to Vocaloid, Hetalia, and a lot of other anime, even though I didn't really like anime. As for 2017, she appreciated me so well. She gave me so many flowers and bouquets over the time we've known each other, which was kind of a surprise because guys don't usually get flowers from girls, so I deeply appreciated the gesture. We also watched a play together and binged so many musicals and episodes of Steven Universe online. Lastly, for 2022, we had so many things in common, and I got along with them on a level no one else did. We both loved Taylor Swift and Girls' Generation, we're both chronically online and found a lot of jokes bouncing off of each other, and we played so many online multiplayer games together.

I guess one commonality all of them shared was that I would call and talk to them online for hours on end. We'd make good use of that time, too, by either watching something, playing a game, or just having a deep conversation. It's funny because I thought I had fallen in love with 5 people in my life until I realized that the deciding factor was that I would be on call with the people I fell with for hours. So I didn't count the other 2 as those were just infatuations.

And I can see myself not minding the other people or anyone else that came in my life because we just didn't get along. We weren't on call for hours. And, to this day, I'm not spending hours on call with anyone I love and that loves me back.

Queue for play... someday?

It still sucks that I haven't found the person for me, despite being 26 already. The most I've been in romantic love was just one-way connections. Even though I had loved with all my heart, I had never gotten reciprocal love back. What I said earlier was true: I've kind of given up on love.

I don't think I've told anyone this, but in 2022, that whole relationship thing was ending, and I had this horrible feeling that my love story was just going to turn bad. So I played the song "Way Back Into Love," and it was eerily the first sad love song I played since the start of that romance. That year, I performed that song live on stage in front of so many coworkers, and the girl was in the audience.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

There was that feeling that I'd be locked away from "love," and I was goddamn right, haha. I haven't fallen in love ever since then, and I never really got into such a super sweet situation since.

So, what now? I guess this is the part of the post where I look up optimistically at the future and, y'know, wrap it up by saying how "true love is out there and I have to find it," right?

Surely, this is how this post ends?

Feelings (Dartegnian's Version) (From The Vault)

I guess I'll start ending this post by being honest with my feelings.

I feel... a bit sad, yeah. I feel very lonely. I kind of feel defeated and broken at this point, not gonna lie.

I feel defeated and tired of all the romantic platitudes thrown around to me like "you'll meet them at the right time," "you'll find love when you're not looking," blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is that I already did. All three people I romantically loved were people I encountered when I wasn't looking for someone to love. I literally fell in love with 2012 because they randomly sat behind me on the school field trip. I didn't even know that a girl was sitting behind me. "You'll find them when you're happy on your own and complete," and I was already fucking content with my friends, but the love that I met that time still didn't work out. I am so goddamn tired of all the platitudes, and I've heard them alllllllllll. I swear, if I hear another platitude–especially if it's about me "not being ready for love"–I am going to lose it.

I feel like love is this joke that everyone has heard but no one's willing to tell me. Everywhere I look around, everyone's either happily in a long-term relationship, married, planning to get married, with kids, or in a secure one that they believe will last. And here I am, twiddling my thumbs and feeling left behind.

I'd love to break open this playlist and experience love again. To actually know of "love" that isn't in quotation marks, because I have no damn idea of what real love is. It would be so nice to just know that I'm romantically loved. To not doubt it, to not feel unsure of the other's feelings. To not have it said under the context of a situationship, but an actual relationship. And yes, I know "I am loved" by my family members, friends, community, whatever, but that's not romantic love.

I'm tired, honestly. I'm tired of keeping everything to myself, having this wall over my true self, and hopping from friend to friend because I don't really have my safe space. I just get envious and angry at people who happily tell me that they have found their safe space in another person and that they are wholly supporting and caring for them. Well good. for. you.

I haven't told anyone this, but every week or so, I make a wish to God to finally find that soulmate for me. A person I can start the next chapter of my life with. The one I'll grow with and be a family with. I can make such a wish because I know God has scarily granted so many of my wishes before, but this wish has never come true. I know God isn't a genie and, if I'm going to be brutally honest, me not meeting that person is just down to pure luck, but still. I have to believe in God for my sanity because I'll probably go crazy if this whole thing is just one big RNG where nothing truly matters.

And I.... whatever. I'm still not desperate enough to download dating apps. Maybe never, haha. It's not like I have great success from those apps anyway, if at all. Bruh, it's not like I even have great success from meeting someone compatible in the first place.

I tell you, the person I'm searching for is so niche, it's like they don't fucking exist.

I don't even think they exist, to be honest. They have to get my jokes, my over-the-top and admittedly lame (+chronically online) humor. I want to share the music I listen to with that person, and I'd like to play online games with them, such as Peak, R.E.P.O., Stardew Valley, or any future releases. And those really break it down to single-digit numbers. And I guess they need to be into horror, too. Plus, they also have to be fluent in English because I just want to express stuff to them, and it's the language I process my feelings in.

Shit, man, I only truly found 1 person who matches all those, and they didn't even treat me right. They weren't loving or caring about me. You mean to tell me I have to find someone who matches all those, AND they have to be kind/caring, AND I have to have them interested in me in the first place?

Fuck me, I am so cooked. I am too picky for my own good. I am genuinely fucked.

But I don't give a shit if I'm too picky. There's noooooo way in hell I would magically fall in love with a person that isn't all the above. I've been on dating apps–I've met a bajillion people–and I, like, totally don't get along with anyone who isn't those. Aside from just saying "hey, hi, hello" and discussing lame, basic-ass topics like the weather or life under capitalism. Do you know how absolutely boring that sounds? To just have exchanges of "what are you eating" and basic-ass topics with a significant other?

I don't even care if they're impossibly good-looking and they're willing to date below their level for me. I'm not going to fall in love with some person I don't get along with. I'm not going to be in love with just anyone, hell no.

If they don't get me, then they don't "get me."

I sound frustrated, but that's because I already am. Once I die, I will legit go and demand to see life's manager. Who the fuck set up my story to be like this? I want them to know how I have felt these past 13-or-something years after being exposed to love and yet taking such a long time to finally meet someone for me. I legit want to ask why that person hasn't appeared for me at this point in my life. And if I die single, romance-less, you better believe I'm sending a strongly-worded letter to them. Because what the fuck? Did I do some shit in my past life to warrant this level of loneliness? And if I did, I am wholly sorry, and please let me repent so I can meet the one.

I don't know at this point. I just feel like.... I was right. When I played "Way Back Into Love" that fateful day, I knew I would be shut out from it and lose out on love for a long time. While it was just a feeling at the time, I was sadly right.

Way Back Into Love

Who knows when, or even if, I'll meet the one for me.

2026 is approaching soon, and once January ends, it'll be officially 4 years since I've played that song:

All I wanna do is find a way back into love

Oh, to be in love. To finally break that playlist, let my walls down, and feel safe with another person who wholly understands me. To spend my days being more than just some dude who has work and does stuff alone.

That's really all I want to do in life. Tall order, sure, especially at a time when most marriages end up in separation and broken families are commonplace. But that's all I really want to do in life. To find the love of my life, to actually start a life with them. To just find them and finally break this playlist open because I found the love that's for me.

All I really wanna do is find a way back into love.