Stories I Wish I Hadn't Told

One of my favorite things to do when I'm burdened by something is to tell someone about it. Whether it's a close friend, a person I feel comfortable sharing it with, or someone willing to listen. It's honestly just so nice to have someone be there and listen to you, even though it doesn't seem like much from an outsider's perspective. I mean, it's just a person listening to you. It still means a lot to me.

I have gone through a lot of stuff 2 years ago and a lot of things that just kept piling one on top of the other. At the time, I had a "robust" safety net of friends. I would tell people the things I was going through, and I'd try to confide in them. I'd say, "Hey guys, I'm in a rough patch about so and so today" and they would listen to me. While it helped, it apparently had other consequences.

Consequences that left me wondering, and wishing, that I hadn't shared those things in the first place.

All ears on me

Back then, I used to pride myself in being active in so many friend groups. I had my high school friend group, another high school group, a work friend group, another work friend group, yet another 3-4 person work friend group, my old coworkers' friend group, and a bunch of people that I've individually befriended. People like Bell, LK, Stella, Elaine, or Rachel whom I don't share a common friend group with, but we're just direct friends.

At the height of 2022 I think I had like... 34 or so close friends to confide all of my secrets in, and maybe 7 friend groups. The count is probably more and I wouldn't be surprised if the total was 50 people I considered all my close friends. Sounds like a lot, right? I guess that's just an extrovert thing. It felt really nice to have one big safety net of friends who had your back.

But I also confided in anyone who's anyone, just someone who wants to hear me out. I would even tell my whole life's story to people I just met or befriended, as if involving them or having their input would help relieve my problems. Unfortunately, not one of them did. It even led to more drama.

Even ghosts have ears

One of the "dramas" that emerged from that whole 2022 thing was an old friend listening in on my life story. This old friend was from high school and we go way back. We used to play Minecraft together, watch things they recommended, talk on Skype for hours, and they even played an important role in another aspect of my life.

They were a nice friend, but we eventually grew apart. We just stopped talking and I just stopped talking to them. I didn't hate them or anything, but when I stopped using Facebook in 2020, I guess they took it as me wanting distance from them specifically, even though wanted to just get off using Facebook. I did have a reason to not have them as a friend anymore and I did send them an email thanking them for being a good friend. Their response was cordial and I thought that it was a good ending to our story.

Well, cut to 2022 and that's when I learn that Rey has been telling that old friend my current life problems. At the time, Rey was one of my closest friends. He was really good at just listening and giving advice. He's also a good artist and he even made me my OC. But one night I invited him out so we could talk and hang out near Venice in McKinley. We sat at the (very memorable) 7-Eleven there and that's when I told him another round of my life problems. He revealed to me that my old friend actually knew of the story and said that they felt sorry for me.

This was just absolutely shocking. I cut off contact with that person and yet Rey tells me that they know about what I'm currently going through. I asked him how did they find out and Rey said that they're still good friends and he told my life's story to them, and they gave that reaction.

What was off about that whole thing was that I'm not on good terms with that person anymore. We actually had a one-sided argument last year and that person eventually grew to have despicable thoughts about me. They have this belief that I followed them from high school to college, even though I made my own college choice myself. That I was still obsessed with them even until college, even though I was already interested in someone else by then.

It was just off.

We were friends even after college, platonic friends. They even prepared a cute birthday greeting for me in Minecraft back in 2017 and we used to play a lot of games together in 2018, way beyond college.

Kinda sucks that those good memories were now tarnished. It would've been really nice if our story ended with us parting cordially in 2020 instead of having a squabble about it in 2023.

A net stretched too thin

I didn't think I could trust Rey anymore after what happened. Worse yet, I overshared to the friend group Rey and I were in. For whatever reason, I became the topic of their problems now and I whined too much to them. It kinda sucks because I really thought that they were good friends. I used to have so many memories with them.

I talked about this in The Empty Call List and, basically, the same thing kind of happened to another guy in the group. Only that drama was way bigger than mine, it actually involved 3 people participating in that drama and causing havoc within the friend group itself. What happened after that was that the guy had the whole friend group backing him up through his troubles.

I guess that safety net I had was kind of faulty, to be honest. It sucked to continue having the same problems but fewer and fewer people willing to just console me about it. Most people, understandably, just didn't want to hear my problems anymore. I don't blame them for it, though.

Between honesty and TMI

There is one aspect of my life in which I shared too many secrets and it still harms me to this day. I had told many people about my problems, especially my credit card debt problems, and it stained my reputation towards them. I think some of them had their views morphed on me and it seems that my former reputation had tarnished their view against me. There are also a lot of other things I could have done to darken the view people have of me, but I believe sharing my personal struggles was the main thing that ruined my reputation. Even though I've overcome those problems, they still linger in people's minds.

For me, it's actually easy to shrug off things and not care. But to have it affect an almost daily part of my life is horrible. It's the feeling that no matter what good I do, my horrible reputation and the image people have will always weigh against that.

It's a really horrible feeling, to be honest. There is a fine line between being honest, and letting people know too much about yourself or what's going on.

From stories, to lies, to nothing

I think I've learned my lesson on the pitfalls of oversharing. It's kind of ironic to learn about all of those and then share them publicly on a blog under my real name. But, then again, this is yet another struggle I have experienced and learned from.

Most people don't need to know the whole picture. I don't think they even want to know the full story anyway. Others deserve a good portion of it, and some, no story at all.

I'm no longer active in the friend group Rey and I are in. Even though I am still in it, my usual response when I'm unable to join their calls is that "I'm busy" or "I'm focusing on something else" which are both just lies. I've distanced myself from that friend group enough to the point where I don't make up any lies at all anymore. In fact, I don't even need to say anything because I'm not invited for a call anymore or even to their hangouts.

Even Loy, my former best friend, he thinks I'm doing well even though I just don't feel comfortable sharing things with him anymore either. I've come up with lies to tell him about how I'm doing and these days I just don't tell him what's going on in my life. He tells me about what's going on in his life, sometimes pulling me into calls so we can talk about his problems, but it's only ever his problems—and that's all it'll ever be. No more talking about my problems or life experiences.

Even my current friends are affected by this. When Ane, Nate, and I went outside that one Saturday, they asked me what was going on in my life and I couldn't tell them anything. It's always just the usual, boring lie that I'm "focusing on something else" or "I'm busy with other things" and it's funny because people have never asked me to elaborate on what those were.

Stories left unsaid

It's kind of sad to go back to how things were before and to not have friends to share so many of my experiences. It sucks to celebrate things alone. Even though I do have someone I'm really close with, it's not really going to last and I'll be alone again soon.

I still believe there is a great joy to be found in sharing things with someone and having them be genuinely happy for you. Even though it goes against the whole "finding happiness within oneself" thing, it's still really nice to have a real friend be there for you, celebrate things with you, and even just want to hear out what you're going through. I try to be that person for other people, but I honestly don't think anyone's that person for me right now.

It's kind of sad, but these days I just try to think of the bigger picture. I'm not destined to be stuck here all by myself, bottling things or only sharing them with a small group of friends. I've yet to meet the people of the future, people who I've yet to meet that I'll share so many fun moments, smiles, and so much joy.

This situation has happened before: me, stuck and drifting alone, away from my friends. I couldn't fathom at those times that better things were yet to come and I would eventually tell my story with them. That's my guiding light these days.

Maybe that's where my story is supposed to go. Not backward to the people of the past, but forward. I think my ideal is to be with people once again, with us sharing stories of our lives with each other. Even though I already had that before and lost it, well, who's to say I can't start over yet again.