One Last Check at the Door

I've always been excited about something new coming into my life that changes everything. A new place, new people surrounding me, endless doors opening, and I'll just step through into something new. My life is just like everyone else's: doors open up all the time. The choices I make in life constantly lead me to being in a position that can change my life for the better.

Even when doors don't open for me, I try my best to break in. Personally, I love challenges. I like being told that something's "unlikely to be done" until I get my attempt at it, and then I figure out a possibility. So even when the door doesn't open, I'll find a way for it to. That's how I got to where I am now, I kept trying to open doors until one finally opened up for me. Maybe I was a locksmith in a prior life? Or even a burglar? Either way, I like opening up new possibilities for myself.

Although a lot of doors have opened up in my life, one door has always stayed shut. Sure, I can open it, but that isn't its purpose. Instead of me walking through that door, I'm actually expecting someone else to walk through my door. And for that door in particular, no one has ever actually arrived and taken a full step through it.

I've opened the door a thousand times, hoping to see someone standing there, smiling back. But each time, it's empty air. That's how my love life has been so far. At this point, in my mid-20s-to-early-30s, I actually expected that I would've had a girlfriend by now, or at least a "semi-official relationship" that had a few months' worth of runtime. But, so far, there's been none.

My relationship? With the door?

I think that door has been there since, like, 2013 or so? It started in high school, where I dreamed of having a girlfriend I can share songs with, call daily, and play games with. It's funny, I think I mostly got this "girlfriend fever" because I listened to so much Girls' Generation and got into their songs, which mostly talked about love and relationships. You can thank "Let's Talk About Love," "Girlfriend," and so many of their early songs that just talked about finding love or living through it. I know they're from a girl's perspective, and I'm a guy, but that sure as hell didn't stop me from thinking about being in a cute and loving relationship.

Thinking about being in a romantic relationship is very normal, though, especially when you're a teenager. So I eagerly anticipated when it was finally my turn to be in an actual relationship of my own. My first year of high school passed, then the next one did, and so on, and so did senior year, until I graduated. Okay, that was slightly disappointing. I mostly kept to myself and never went on those "dates after class" thing or "writing love letters for someone and them liking it" phase. But that was just high school, right? Surely college will be better since it's a major step up. Plus, dating apps like Tinder and Bumble are getting popular.

Then the wrong type of people show up

Even though I'm heavily invested in getting into a relationship and excited to get into it, I'm not that desperate. I don't fall in love with just anyone. I've checked and I believe I've only fallen in love with just 3 people throughout my entire life.

The rest? Well, they're just people who showed up at my door and left as soon as they came. There was that weird girl who called me her "lovey" after, what, 3 days of just chatting online? Yeesh. Or how about that girl who thinks they've fallen in love with the way I write, only for them to reveal themselves as extremely controlling and creepy. Over the course of my 25+ years of being alive (and around 40% of that being on dating apps and websites), I've met a lot of people. I've had wannabe sugarbabies like me, single moms like me, and much more. But I've rarely met a person who actually understands me.

All I ever wanted was to meet a person with who I can share parts of my world with. I honestly don't want to let a person through who doesn't understand me or my jokes. I don't want a relationship just for the sake of it. That's boring, and lame as hell.

And that's why it takes me such a long time to meet someone new or interesting. People can be very obvious when they're not into you or when they're not interested at all. When they don't even acknowledge a hobby or interest that I myself am deeply into, I'm honestly going to just cut that person off or keep them as just a friend. It's actually really hard to meet people who could like the same things I'm into, only a small subset of them. So I just spend the majority of my life meeting people as just friends and keeping it that way.

It's been that way for a long time and, frankly, I was used to having the wrong type of people show up at the door. So when someone suddenly came knocking at my door, I was a little surprised.

Someone's at the door

I've been repeating their alias for some time now, but in 2022, I met a girl whom I call "someone." Someone was different from just about everyone I've met. She was into video games, she mostly spoke (and loved speaking) in English, and she had a big love for K-Pop. Listen, I've met many K-Pop fans over the years, both online and in-person events, but someone was still different. We actually shared a large interest in the girl group Girls' Generation, that's how we really got to know each other. Someone also liked writing, and they've sent me their old stories; she even had her own blog, which was extremely surprising.

Off the bat, I already knew that I liked someone. She was so similar to me, not just in the surface-level stuff. But we shared the same humor, we liked the same K-Pop songs, and we loved calling and spending time with each other. She even loved horror! I'm so happy because I've been watching so many horror movies alone, and here comes someone who's interested into horror as well! I finally had someone to watch horror and share so much of my world with.

That went on for a few years. I called someone after work and even while at work. We played a lot of video games together, watched all the horror YouTubers, and listened to podcasts; we even listened to so many songs together. We watched so many musicals together, even sharing an interest in Phantom of the Opera. I even shared one of my favorite musicals with them: Sing Street. We got into analog horror and hung out with each other. We were so connected in each other's worlds. I thought that if I pushed myself further and further for them, maybe they'd actually walk through that door.

At this point, they were just talking with me at the door. Even though they made it clear "that their heart just wasn't there" (they actually said those exact words), I still had hope. I held my door open for them and hoped that they would walk through. I even held my door open on nights past 3 a.m. when they had work in the evening. I held it open even though she told me that they still loved their ex and got back together with them, and tried to drag me into an open relationship with her and her ex (ew! Never again!!!). I even held it open and asked them to come back, even though they already walked away. I think this line from Rex Orange County's "The Shade" sums up things well with them:

Then I was openin' the door just to see if you would walk through

You may already know this, but they didn't walk through my door. As hard as I tried, I could never convince someone to stay or force them to stay in my life. I already knew that things were going to end eventually, even years ago. That was our constant theme: saying goodbye. I just didn't know when it would be the last one.

It's been months and I've already healed a great amount from it. I had lessons before that I had in my head, but I just couldn't put them into my heart. Lessons like "trying your best is enough" and "if love was ever real, it would never require loss to prove it." And it took a lot of time just being alone for those lessons to sink in.

Personally, I don't blame them. It's fine. I've seen people come and go at my door. Some people stay for a while, some don't, but I honestly expected that someone would stay forever. I've since closed the door on that chapter of my life and I'm in a new one. My life's been pretty good lately, and the door behind me has been shut for quite a while now.

One last check at the door

I've been expecting that something would happen. Maybe someone would come back, but they didn't. Maybe I might meet someone new, but so far, no one has been interesting enough for me to fall in love with them, and I think that's going to be the case for years to come.

It's funny.

I ended up doing a lot of things. Going through a ridiculous situationship, getting the girl copious amounts of gifts and stuff, staying up late for them, enduring anxieties from the actions they did (like getting back with her ex), and even being there for her at every major step, even if it's to my detriment. I was supposed to resign earlier than her, but she wanted me to stay until she left the company first. I ended up fulfilling that promise.

It's funny how I ended up doing so much, only for it all to crumble and end one random Thursday. Only for me to end up right back where I started: single and with a new chapter of my life that just started recently. All that just for... welp, back to dying alone, haha.

Listen, I'm tired of fighting fate. I'm tired of trying so hard to convince people to go through my door and into my home, my life. I have spent so many countless hours and days just thinking about how I can finally have a person show up at my door and ask them to come into my life. I'm tired of trying out everything, spreading myself thin, only for me to make a full circle back to where I had started.

Most of all, I guess I'm tired of feeling disappointed in myself. I wholly expected that I would've found at least a girlfriend by now, but I haven't. I've tried fighting fate in that I've signed up for so many apps by now, heck, I even pay for them. I go out, put myself into new surroundings, and I genuinely put my best foot forward when meeting new people. I encounter so many coincidences on any given day, but none of those coincidences lead me to having someone new appear in my life.

And maybe that's just how it's supposed to go for now.

You know, I came across a Reel on IG recently and I found it funny because it truly fit my life's situation as of now. It said this:

Don't do it for the plot. I know your life might be a little boring right now, but it's better than being in a situationship, let's be honest. Have some self-respect.

My life is so boring right now. It's lonely, too. I could go and not use my phone for a day or two and the only notifs I would get are banking apps telling me to put more money into them, haha. Gone are the days where I would get so many messages and missed calls from someone. I don't go home and ask someone to hop on Discord as I used to. I don't even call anyone on Discord anymore. I don't even call anyone. I haven't been playing video games either. When I hear a new song, I just share it with my mood calendar and no one else. I'm truly alone. No situationships, no talking stages, no sleep calls. Just me.

After a long time, my life is once again peaceful. The purely quiet kind of peaceful, not the anxiety-riddled quiet kind. And I guess that's how my story should go for now. I've tried my best, I gave love a chance and gave it my all, and that door didn't really open for me. So, rather than trying to fight it, I'm just going to surrender to it and open up other doors in the meantime instead. My whole life isn't over just because I've remained single and relationship-less at 26 or so. Maybe I'm meant to just stay single and watch everyone else get into relationships, get married, have kids, while my life alone quietly goes on.

Whatever, who cares, haha. At this point, I'm just going to live my life and see which doors can still open for me. I've opened so many doors in other places: career, friends, opportunities, and I'm not done opening new doors just yet. I'm going to quit waiting around and seeing if this door will open for me or not. If it were meant to open, it already would have by now. But it hasn't. Alright, so this is how my story goes.

I can still move forward in life, open other doors, and have as much meaning in life as I would have had I gone through the other doors. I can live my life for a while opening new doors for myself and for my loved ones. Maybe I'm just not meant to open that door right now—and that's okay.