More About Me

I want to know more about my current set of friends/the people I already know. Honestly speaking, I actually believe that people are more complex than what they look like on the surface. People's actions are shaped by their history, biology, and a bunch of other factors. This is why I'm so interested in finding more about the people I already know—because everyone, in their own way, is quite unique and I believe everyone has their own little story to share with the world.

Since not a lot of people talk to me often, or maybe are afraid to get to know me more, I've decided to just make a post about, well, myself. More specifically, about the things I do, the explanation behind them, plus some lesser-known quirks about me. So, yeah, here's my story.

I guess I'll start with my name. In reality, I don't like to be called "Dart." It's not that I don't like to hear the word per se, but I kind of prefer to be called "Dartegnian" rather than "Dart." I don't know why, but I'm more inclined to listen to someone when I'm called by my full name. I admit, I have no other nickname other than "Dart," and it's still a good identifier of who I am (because not a lot of people have "Dart" as their nickname), but I'm just not quite fond of it.

I like my name quite well, to be rather honest. A name's purpose is to identify someone, right? I'm sure people have no trouble finding out who I am, but the uniqueness of my name does present a red flag. Sure, my name can help people find out who I am and can help identify me, but I believe it works a little too well. I don't know, it's just something that bugs me.

Well, I've taken several tests already and my results always land on the INFP personality. I think it's quite an accurate representation of who I am. Do what you want with that info, just getting that out.

This might not come as a surprise to you, but I am a huge fan of Girls' Generation. I love them so much and they mean the entire world to me. Back then, I'd used to spend days just watching videos of them having fun, goofing off, or just being themselves. It was fun as hell to watch, and they brightened up my life so much. The group also had a significant impact on how I interact with people, my happiness, and my general well-being.

Also, I had fantasies about them. Good fantasies, mind you, not those fantasies you might be thinking of. Back then in 2013, I had this extreme, hard-hitting depression that almost drove me on the brink of suicide. I don't recall the entire details, but Girls' Generation was one of those forces that drove me out of depression and into sanity. Whenever I was ever sad or depressed, I always imagined one of the girls sitting next to me or talking to me. (Often, I imagined Jessica being sweet, or Sunny cheering me up and giving me jokes, or Taeyeon whenever I needed a voice of reason/guidance.)  At times, I imagined they were all there and we were eating dinner or something and they'd ask me how my day was and stuff.

Yeah, it sounds weird as hell, but it's my coping mechanism. It made me feel less alone during those times when I was extremely lonely. They were my personal cheerleaders back then, and they always cheered me up without fail. Seeing them, they never failed to put a smile on my face. That's why I treasure them so much, even to this day.

(That whole thing of "imagining members of SNSD" is weird, I gotta say, but we're all weird—all in our own special way. I guess that's how I'm weird. I haven't told anyone about that, though, and I don't pretend to talk to them in real life. I just close my eyes, keep quiet, and see them in my imagination. No one can ever really tell when I'm imagining them or not, I either just zone out whenever I do or just sleep.)

Keeping my temper/keeping my cool is something I'm quite good at. I rarely get angry, and I avoid doing so as much as possible. I don't really see the point in getting angry in a normal, modern setting (unless you're in a rally or derby). Plus, I don't see the point in getting angry; you get all flustered up, your stress level rises, you're less likely to understand people; people are less likely to understand you/help you/coordinate with you. For me, getting angry in any situation is a lose-lose, but there are some exceptions.

Also, when I get angry, I either just try my best to be alone, or I do what Seohyun does and exhale loudly through my nose. I don't like to let people see me when I'm angry, to be honest. I'm more of a cheerful person. Most of the time, whenever I do get really angry, I just lock the room and go to sleep. I don't (and never have) cut myself while I'm angry (because I'm squeamish), and when I really do get angry, I lock the door and throw something at the door or the wall, or I run around and jump. I found that exhausting myself whenever I'm angry is a good way to calm me down.

Arguments are a thing I want to avoid. I'm fine with disagreeing with someone, that's cool with me, and I'm also okay on having a healthy, causal debate with someone, but I hate personal arguments. I don't like arguing with people about what they ate, their time of sleep, and a bunch of trivial things. I'm not going to start an argument about the time someone should sleep because it's a petty thing to do.

What else? Well, believe it or not, I actually have a quiet nature. It may shock you, but I actually like being quiet. Being the lonely kid in every class made me have that nature. While I do hate having it at times, I actually quite like it.

I'm sure someone reading this might raise a brow and ask "then why are you so loud/talkative when your friends are around?" and my simple reply to that is because they're there. Sure, I'm quite loud and talkative at times, but I like cracking jokes and telling stories to my friends often. As much as possible, my main goal is to make people smile or make their day a little bit better—in any way I can.

So, yeah, while I'm talkative with my friends, I prefer to be alone at times. Just be alone in a room with an Internet connection and some music, I love that. Also, I like to just be the guy who listens to anyone when they have problems. I'm more of a listener than a talker, and this just backs up my quiet nature.

Normally, I hate loud noises. Take note that I said "noises" and not "noise."

I really can't stand environments such as a noisy setting when I'm trying to concentrate on something—especially when eating. Although it's quite normal for people to converse while eating, I quite find it intolerable when people are conversing before eating. The clatter of the plates and utensils, the sound of various voices conversing with each other, the electric fan in the background, the sound of chairs moving, and the occasional device playing audio in the background (usually a left-open TV), it's all just too overwhelming for me. I quite like my environments quiet, it helps keep me poised and helps me think clearly. This doesn't apply all the time, though.

Also, I hate the sound of two metal utensils being rubbed against each other, or the sound of a metal utensil being rubbed against a glass plate. No way, mate. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

I love to sing, even if I know that I'm a terrible singer. I like to sing when I'm alone, or when no one's around me. Some of the songs I commonly sing are "My Child," "11:11," "Singin' in the Rain," "Me and My Shadow," "Beyond the Sea," "Lost in Love," "Anything I'm Not," and a few others. I'm not really inclined to a specific genre when singing, I just sing songs that I believe I can sing. Like I said, I don't have a good voice, and I'm well aware of that, but singing is one of my little joys in life.

Oh, I love conversations with someone while we're alone. It doesn't apply to a specific gender, mind you. I actually like just having a one-on-one conversation with someone over anything. It doesn't matter who that person is, as long as they're willing to talk to me and listen to me, then that person is alright. As long as we don't get into a heated discussion (nor a heated debate) over something, I'm just fine with it. I'm also fine with people giving me advice, but, every time someone does so, I just hope they're offering it as a friend, not like "you should get a haircut, you need to look better." (Like duh, I need to look better.) I'd prefer a "hey Dart, between you and I, a new haircut might suit you, maybe an undercut?" rather than a "dude, you hair sucks, cut it or something."

Well, ummm, I'm quite religious. I seriously, at all costs, AVOID telling people that I am so because of the extremely negative stigma people have about religion. I seriously hate it when people say "in the Bible, Jesus killed a lot of innocent people," "the Catholic Church is seriously fucked up because the pastors are pedophiles and they're telling people to stop using birth control," or the dreaded "what if I told you everything you ever know was a lie? That God can't be proven or that Jesus never really existed/was an alien with ten sets of teeth and tentacles for arms?"

I seriously hate it when people do that. Sure, I'm religious, but in no way am I a religious nut. Yes, I am aware that some pastors are pedophiles and, if they are a pedophile, they should get put in jail. Yes, I know the Catholic Church does something controversial every now and then, but I don't believe in them all the time. And no, I don't care if God can't be proven or if Jesus was an alien. Like with all groups on this world, there are extremists, and in no way do I believe those people represent the general population.

I'm entitled to have my own freedom of belief and no one should tell me what to believe or what not to believe—even if it was the Church itself. I don't believe that birth control is a sin, and I don't believe that all of my problems can be answered through a prayer (as it also needs to be answered through action as well as prayer). Conversely, I believe that small acts of kindness can make the world a better place and that everyone has an inner good within them, in some form or another.

There are so many good things in religion that significantly outweigh the problems with it, community is one core thing. The people I've met within those religious events (such as Camp Calye) were extremely nice and kind. While some "cultish" or "scary" things happen sometimes (such as people crying in front of the crowd and a pastor putting his hand on their forehead), trust me, they scare me too, probably even more. Anyway, while I don't question the genuineness of their niceness of the people I interact with, as long as they're making me happy, I'm quite fine with it. Not all religious people are batshit crazy, some are, and trust me, we hate those kinds of people as well.

Since we're getting down into the nitty-gritty of things, I might as well state my position in some of my vices.

No, I smoke, and I don't want to drink alcohol. I highly abstain from smoking, and I've never had inhaled on a cigarette before. Most of the people in my family are smokers, and they smoked profusely when I was at a young age. Fast forward up to now and they're having health problems—shortness of breath, sweating from mundane work, having trouble breathing, and so on. Plus, my lungs are already bad enough at their current state—and I've never smoked—what more if I had smoked?

Although it's a social norm, I quite abstain from drinking alcohol. I can't stand it. Sure, it's a given that there were occasions when I was offered a full bottle of beer, but in all the times I was offered, I only took a few sips before putting the bottle down or giving it to someone for them to finish.

The reason why I do that is because of trauma. Shitty reason, I know, but when I was a kid, my uncle would often get drunk and have these drunken bouts every month. Every month, at random times, someone would be slamming their fist onto your door and telling you stuff, or someone outside calling people names, or even times when my uncle broke plates/glasses/etc

The scariest parts were those times we had to go to school, and he still had his bout. We would wake up at 5 in the morning, expecting a normal boring school day, only to find a drunk man in his 30's screaming at you, hurling plates and furniture across the room, slamming doors, shouting at you and calling you names. It wasn't scary, it was downright petrifying. We had to move out of the house several times because my uncle's drunken rage went too far.

To this day, I am still mortified at the scene of someone with an alcoholic breath talking to me. That is why I don't drink. Sure, you can tell me "that won't happen if you control yourself," but I'm not taking any second chances. Seriously, the last thing I want is to be someone that I'm afraid of. I don't know who I am without control and intoxicated, and I sure as hell don't want to find out.

While I don't smoke nor drink, I am addicted to technology and the Internet—and it's an equally bad vice to have. Sure, I learn and do a lot of stuff with my computer, but it makes me stare at a screen and sit for too long. It makes me gain more weight, and makes my muscles weak. It puts intense strain on my eyes and ears (more now since I'm using headphones). It's not a good vice to have, but it's certainly the lesser of the two evils between smoking + alcohol or computers + Internet. Moderation is key anyway. (Oh, and a footnote, I have never taken/will never take any recreational drug, be it in any form. If I abstain from common vices, it's a given that I would avoid illegal drugs like the plague.)

Last but not the least, the core thing about me is my purpose in life.

When I was a kid, I've always envisioned of futuristic technological cities—cities where floating cars, high-speed magnetic trains, and interactive holograms exist. I've had so many fantasies about growing up in a city like that, and the vivid sights and sounds always inspire me in some way.

Growing up, this dream I've always had grew more complex, and so did the troubles of realizing it. I know now that my dream of building a technological utopia like that would be impossible, especially when I have to do it alone.

I've refocused my life purpose in some way, and I've made it more general and easier to achieve. All I ever want to do in life is to make the world a better place—in one way or another. I might develop some kind of technology that helps millions (hopefully billions) of people around the world, or I might just help out a few people. In any case, I want to make the lives of people better, hopefully through technology. That's why I love technology so much. I don't necessarily see it as a means for control, spying, nor evil; rather, I see technology as a tool that, if used properly, can genuinely make the world a better place.

I don't believe that I'm some computer genius who can build and deploy complex systems on my own. To tell you the absolute truth, I'm just a man with a dream who's using technology as a means of achieving that dream. Anyone can do that, and I'm no different.

That's all about me that I will say for now. This is quite a lengthy post, but I hope you enjoyed it and I wish that it made you understand a little more about who I am, as I'm sure it made me understand a little more about who I am. See you all next time!