Everything but the Kitchen Sink

Here's a Today I Learned: "Everything but the kitchen sink." Apparently, it's an idiom that means "a large number and variety of something" and it's also a famous trope in media. I've seen many visual jokes where the house gets taken away by some force and the kitchen sink is all that's left. And, funny enough, I'm kind of in a situation like that myself.

Despite all my efforts to build a "home" in whatever chapter I'm currently in my life, somehow it always ends up crumbling, being taken away, burned to ashes, and even repossessed! It's funny to have everything comically taken away except a kitchen sink, but it's also sad to see everything go away.

People used to live here, a home used to be here

As I've grown older, I notice that I built the majority of my memories and happy moments around people. Whether they're from high school, college, workmates, or even the people I used to love. My happy days usually involve me laughing with others and the empty days with just me. Alone.

I'm used to being alone, don't get me wrong. I've gone to theme parks alone, I've ate at fancy dinners alone, I tend to watch movies alone. But I always found those experiences lacking, in a way. I always think, "X would love to see this," or "I will definitely have more fun if Y was with me." When I played Apex Legends alone, it wasn't as fun as cracking jokes, sharing life stories, and even making fun of enemies while being on a Discord call with friends.

It wasn't just about playing games either. Sometimes, I would go to new places with an old best friend and we'd enjoy the food together. One time, we went to a bar and I crashed at their place because I was so drunk. I often visited their condo unit and we'd just talk, hang around, and watch stuff together as friends. There's also a friend I used to eat out late at night with, despite the pandemic still being a thing. He had a motorcycle and we would go to BGC, eat pares at Retiro Street, and talk while at 7-Eleven in McKinley Hill.

For others, it's staying up late at night with them and calling for hours. For one person I recently ended things with, we used to call for 12+ hours straight, sometimes through the night from midnight until next day morning. We would play Sky: Children of the Light, watch analog horror, or listen to scary podcasts together. I used to do everything with "someone" and most of the days in my mood calendar used to be about them and our many adventures together.

"No, please, not the house! Everything but the house!"

The problem with building my world around people is that... they're people. People can choose to entertain other people, be busy elsewhere and, sadly enough, decide that they can't stay anymore. Despite all I've done for them, and despite everything we've shared. It might not seem like it because I'm a guy and I'm generally uncaring about many things, but it deeply hurts to lose the people I care and love. I would rather lose everything else—my money, time, and even health—just to be with the people I want to be with. Everything but the house.

In fact, for more than a year, I've stayed up late at night to accompany "someone." When they started working late, I started staying up late with them just so I can be with them. No matter how tired or how little sleep I had the day prior, I would always do my best to stay up. I even used to wake them up because I stayed up all night. 3-4 hours of sleep? Who cares! I can get through this!!!! Since then, my health has drastically suffered as a result. I now have gout, my uric acid levels are high, my sleep schedule is beyond broken, and I also got some liver stress/inflammation due to a year of eating take-out food during those late nights. All that at 25! But that's okay! I chose that kind of life, right?

For many of my experiences, I tried my best to put others first, with me coming in last of whatever priority I had. I initially ended things with "someone" because I tried putting myself first for once, and it was taken as an offense. In reality, I just wanted to take a bath first over playing a game, why did I have to get the house taken away?

The kitchen sink remains

Well, now all that's left is the kitchen sink. I lost everything. Everything that I once called "home" is gone. The Discord server I used to be in my friends with, repossessed by a guy who recently joined and wanted to kick me out. For someone, they had left and taken the home I've had for 2 years and 9 months.

It sucks to have this happen again, and again, and again, and again.

I'm no stranger to this. In college, this happened when I dropped out because my parents couldn't afford the tuition anymore, and there was no one left to keep me enrolled. I cried a lot, I was severely saddened at the reality of losing all my college friends, my studies, and even the professors I've befriended.

All that was left was just me and whatever scraps of my "dream" I still had. My dream? A "forever home" because I never had one growing up. Dad left us when I was young, and mom had to go abroad before my teen years to support us. I wanted a safe home, complete with people I love and cherish. In my pursuits, all I wanted to gain was a place I would permanently stay. A safe space that could also help me grow and grow through life with. And here I am yet again, home-less. No matter how hard I tried.

Words can't explain how much grief I go through every time a chapter of my life like that ends. As of writing, I'm still grieving and I still wish everything could come back. I can't describe how much pain I'm going through to lose something that I thought was going to last forever. It sucks to have what was once my home gone, but I've been here before. I'm still here, I can still rebuild things.

The foundation (and the kitchen sink) still remain

When I dropped out of college, I was in a massive slump for 4 months. I didn't apply for any jobs, I just spent my days at home, I was just sad, I was just lonely. But, one day, I woke up and decided that I needed to keep moving forward.

Despite all odds, I had 5 job offers (with salaries, of course) and I chose the best out of the bunch. I've tried hard and here I am now with 6 years of continuous employment. To this day, I still can't believe that I got corporate job offers in the Philippines with no internship experience, not even a diploma. That is one massive hurdle I overcame, looking back. One day, I just woke up.

And I'll still keep getting up despite all that. I lost a lot of things, but I still have a lot of things to look forward to. I've yet to find my own "forever home" and my safe space. But this time, I think it's time to stop looking for it in other people and just build it myself.

I miss things and I keep looking back at how my life used to be, but I don't think I should try to bring everything back once again. I've actually tried to bring 3 of my past experiences back: college, my old Discord friends, and even "someone." And in all 3, our reconnection failed to last a day and barely 2 weeks. The space they left behind just can't be filled with them anymore, and maybe they shouldn't be. I should be the one who fills the space they used to occupy, and then build from whatever they left behind.

The person that I used to be with who liked Vocaloid, well, now I've kindled my own love for listening to it. Someone introduced me to Cinnamoroll and I eventually grew to love Cinnamoroll on my own. I've stopped listening to K-Pop already, but after someone introduced me to it again, I grew to like so many new groups like aespa, Le Sserafim, and NewJeans. Only now, I can move forward with liking other groups like ILLIT and cherish their songs on my own.

Life still goes on, despite everything. That line is funny. My most-listened to song this year is "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" by the Beatles. I just randomly found it while washing the dishes and I guess the chorus was what got me:

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on, brah
La-la, how their life goes on
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on, brah
La-la, how their life goes on

And I guess that's just how things are supposed to go. I'll rebuild from this foundation and continue to move forward in life. At the very least, my love for Cinnamoroll made me want to get this cute wallet and I bring it with me wherever I go, and that's how my life goes on.